Baby Erskine #1: 4 Week Bump

I've got some exciting news blogging friends...

Before You're Expecting

Before I dive into this post with a very suggestive picture, I'm not pregnant BUT the conversation is happening.  Yes, praise Jesus we are in the stage where this is actually a feasible idea.  I wanted to journal through my experience of what it's like in the "before you're expecting" stage.  Now I'm not quite ready to share when I believe we will be "ready" but I think sharing all of this is going to be fun for me and hopefully informative for other families out there who may end up reading this.

If you know me at all, I have a fever...a baby fever.

It's bad y'all. I think I have wanted to have a baby with Ryan since the moment we got married.  It has been such a joy that now, at 3.5 years of marriage, we are legitimately having these conversations about planning our family.  

I can remember the moment Ryan asking me my thoughts on having a baby at X time.  You should have seen this gal's face, I was beaming from ear to ear.  Finally! Ryan was finally on the same mental wavelength as me.  Having studied reproductive rights and my interest in becoming a doula, I have a lot of baby books.  Color me weird at having all of these "baby books" in stock, but I am completely baffled as to how people can do so much research into purchasing something like a computer but don't know their rights when having a baby.  *Jumps off soap box*

Soooo I'm readily willing and excited to share my journey of researching products, trying things out, and educating myself on all things pregnancy, baby, and labor-related.  

Without looking at Air Force policies with Tricare, my birth plan involves having a doula, a midwife, and a water birth.  That would be a most ideal situation.  However, the other aspect of our family's plan is making sure that our military healthcare plan will cover it.  So my ideal plan may end up being in a hospital or where ever I'm covered.  If you've had any experience with pregnancy and the military, feel free to comment below! I'm all ears!

I recently went to my base gyno to have an overall check-up and she was this wonderfully pregnant captain.  It was so much fun being able to finally be excited and she was a bundle of energy herself.  It's great to finally be able to start asking these questions and figure out when my IUD can be taken out, etc.

For awhile I was incredibly reluctant to ever get pregnant while in this career field but then I started realizing that I needed to take care of myself and my family's needs and desires.  In the past year, I have volunteered for base/military everything and although I do a great job and am reliable, I started feeling overworked.  I was putting together great projects despite having limited resources and a lack of support, and the end result didn't satisfy me.  It started to feel very unfulfilling and I largely think it was because work without a lot of appreciation being sent your way is taxing. Being busy was my way of boosting my career and calming down the baby fever.  

After this happened several times where projects would come and go, and I just felt exhausted, I started taking mental notes of resolutions.  They included transitioning a lot of this energy into off base projects and volunteering or working off base.  Every volunteer opportunity that I've done in the community here has been amazing and so rewarding.  I feel that people are 100% committed and you're not working with folks who are voluntold.  These thoughts and ideas kept circulating and when Ryan brought up having a baby, I realized that I'm going to not only limit my base activities, but finally choose projects and volunteer opps that I can be fully committed to because being pregnant is a lot of work unto itself.

Writing this has been so therapeutic.  Now I only request your prayers and well wishes as our little family embarks on this journey :) 

  

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This taboo sadness

Early February I wrote a post titled, A Mad Case of Baby Fever, after an influx of pregnancy announcements from bloggers and many people that I care about.  I love pregnancy announcements.  For the most part, they are usually filled with joy and excitement.  1000 comments and Facebook likes later, your "circle" has been informed of your good news.  I am always excited for the happy couple and especially for a lot of my friends that also shared that bond of getting married young because we have many odds stacked against us.  I know for many of them, they have always wanted families, so it's exciting to see those events add up in their favor.  

I had gotten back from alert and one of my really good friends displayed this adorable picture of her pregnancy announcement.  Again, I am quite literally the one squealing with delight when "we're expecting" pictures make their way onto someone's blog or Facebook account.  I'm sitting in the car, with a couple other guys, mind you, and I cannot stop my joy from being expressed for my friend.  I texted Ryan and despite my exhaustion from alert, I was elated.

Then a really strange thing happened.  Something that's never happened before.  

I got really sad.

I usually have a huge smile on my face, but literally, I have big teeth therefore I have a big smile.  I'm happy and bubbly and I love looking at the positive sides of life.  My job is exhausting but my mentors have an enthusiasm for positivity and professionalism that is contagious.  So when a feeling like sadness creeps in after feeling sheer joy, those are a series of emotions that I'm just not used to.

It came down to me thinking about my life right now.  In a couple of weeks Ryan and I will be celebrating our second wedding anniversary.  I don't think we're ready to have children but I also live a lifestyle that's also not really permissive for me to have kids yet, either.  That's where it kind of got to me.  Technically yes I could have a baby but it would royally screw over other people and I just will not do that.  There may be some flexibility next year but my specific career field is demanding of our time and energy.  I don't even know if Ryan and I are ready or even want to have a baby right now but it's the fact that the option isn't even in a place to be discussed that upsets me.  I feel like not just the timing but the overall freedom to make that decision is completely out of our hands. 

This happened earlier in the week, so by the time I've written this, I've tried to come to terms with it.

By come to terms, you can check my Pinterest account and see that I know every which way to host a baby shower and if you need decor or party game ideas, I'm your gal. 

I think what also threw me for a loop was that a lot of women that were announcing that they are pregnant, got married around the same time that I did.  I am so excited for my friends but it causes me to wonder if these feelings are me comparing my marriage to theirs.  On the flip side, people who got married at the same time I did are also going through divorces.  Life can go either way.  However, if I'm comparing my marriage to others, that's not good.  Everyone goes at a different pace and Ryan and I have had to work through a lot of issues to strengthen the base of our marriage.  I definitely don't want to bring in a baby without having that foundation.  I'm also on Mirena, so it would be an active decision on our part to have a baby because I would have to have it taken out before we started to try.  

I've had the goodness of people shine through in many of my tangents and I know people are always praying for my marriage.  I'm just going to let this sit with God and see where life takes me.  I am just so uncomfortable feeling sadness after I feel such joy.

Plus, I can't wait to see what our Filipino/Irish/Scottish/German babies look like ;)