Early February I wrote a post titled, A Mad Case of Baby Fever, after an influx of pregnancy announcements from bloggers and many people that I care about. I love pregnancy announcements. For the most part, they are usually filled with joy and excitement. 1000 comments and Facebook likes later, your "circle" has been informed of your good news. I am always excited for the happy couple and especially for a lot of my friends that also shared that bond of getting married young because we have many odds stacked against us. I know for many of them, they have always wanted families, so it's exciting to see those events add up in their favor.
I had gotten back from alert and one of my really good friends displayed this adorable picture of her pregnancy announcement. Again, I am quite literally the one squealing with delight when "we're expecting" pictures make their way onto someone's blog or Facebook account. I'm sitting in the car, with a couple other guys, mind you, and I cannot stop my joy from being expressed for my friend. I texted Ryan and despite my exhaustion from alert, I was elated.
Then a really strange thing happened. Something that's never happened before.
I got really sad.
I usually have a huge smile on my face, but literally, I have big teeth therefore I have a big smile. I'm happy and bubbly and I love looking at the positive sides of life. My job is exhausting but my mentors have an enthusiasm for positivity and professionalism that is contagious. So when a feeling like sadness creeps in after feeling sheer joy, those are a series of emotions that I'm just not used to.
It came down to me thinking about my life right now. In a couple of weeks Ryan and I will be celebrating our second wedding anniversary. I don't think we're ready to have children but I also live a lifestyle that's also not really permissive for me to have kids yet, either. That's where it kind of got to me. Technically yes I could have a baby but it would royally screw over other people and I just will not do that. There may be some flexibility next year but my specific career field is demanding of our time and energy. I don't even know if Ryan and I are ready or even want to have a baby right now but it's the fact that the option isn't even in a place to be discussed that upsets me. I feel like not just the timing but the overall freedom to make that decision is completely out of our hands.
This happened earlier in the week, so by the time I've written this, I've tried to come to terms with it.
By come to terms, you can check my Pinterest account and see that I know every which way to host a baby shower and if you need decor or party game ideas, I'm your gal.
I think what also threw me for a loop was that a lot of women that were announcing that they are pregnant, got married around the same time that I did. I am so excited for my friends but it causes me to wonder if these feelings are me comparing my marriage to theirs. On the flip side, people who got married at the same time I did are also going through divorces. Life can go either way. However, if I'm comparing my marriage to others, that's not good. Everyone goes at a different pace and Ryan and I have had to work through a lot of issues to strengthen the base of our marriage. I definitely don't want to bring in a baby without having that foundation. I'm also on Mirena, so it would be an active decision on our part to have a baby because I would have to have it taken out before we started to try.
I've had the goodness of people shine through in many of my tangents and I know people are always praying for my marriage. I'm just going to let this sit with God and see where life takes me. I am just so uncomfortable feeling sadness after I feel such joy.
Plus, I can't wait to see what our Filipino/Irish/Scottish/German babies look like ;)