Monday, May 13, 2013

This taboo sadness

Early February I wrote a post titled, A Mad Case of Baby Fever, after an influx of pregnancy announcements from bloggers and many people that I care about.  I love pregnancy announcements.  For the most part, they are usually filled with joy and excitement.  1000 comments and Facebook likes later, your "circle" has been informed of your good news.  I am always excited for the happy couple and especially for a lot of my friends that also shared that bond of getting married young because we have many odds stacked against us.  I know for many of them, they have always wanted families, so it's exciting to see those events add up in their favor.  

I had gotten back from alert and one of my really good friends displayed this adorable picture of her pregnancy announcement.  Again, I am quite literally the one squealing with delight when "we're expecting" pictures make their way onto someone's blog or Facebook account.  I'm sitting in the car, with a couple other guys, mind you, and I cannot stop my joy from being expressed for my friend.  I texted Ryan and despite my exhaustion from alert, I was elated.

Then a really strange thing happened.  Something that's never happened before.  

I got really sad.

I usually have a huge smile on my face, but literally, I have big teeth therefore I have a big smile.  I'm happy and bubbly and I love looking at the positive sides of life.  My job is exhausting but my mentors have an enthusiasm for positivity and professionalism that is contagious.  So when a feeling like sadness creeps in after feeling sheer joy, those are a series of emotions that I'm just not used to.

It came down to me thinking about my life right now.  In a couple of weeks Ryan and I will be celebrating our second wedding anniversary.  I don't think we're ready to have children but I also live a lifestyle that's also not really permissive for me to have kids yet, either.  That's where it kind of got to me.  Technically yes I could have a baby but it would royally screw over other people and I just will not do that.  There may be some flexibility next year but my specific career field is demanding of our time and energy.  I don't even know if Ryan and I are ready or even want to have a baby right now but it's the fact that the option isn't even in a place to be discussed that upsets me.  I feel like not just the timing but the overall freedom to make that decision is completely out of our hands. 

This happened earlier in the week, so by the time I've written this, I've tried to come to terms with it.
By come to terms, you can check my Pinterest account and see that I know every which way to host a baby shower and if you need decor or party game ideas, I'm your gal. 

I think what also threw me for a loop was that a lot of women that were announcing that they are pregnant, got married around the same time that I did.  I am so excited for my friends but it causes me to wonder if these feelings are me comparing my marriage to theirs.  On the flip side, people who got married at the same time I did are also going through divorces.  Life can go either way.  However, if I'm comparing my marriage to others, that's not good.  Everyone goes at a different pace and Ryan and I have had to work through a lot of issues to strengthen the base of our marriage.  I definitely don't want to bring in a baby without having that foundation.  I'm also on Mirena, so it would be an active decision on our part to have a baby because I would have to have it taken out before we started to try.  

I've had the goodness of people shine through in many of my tangents and I know people are always praying for my marriage.  I'm just going to let this sit with God and see where life takes me.  I am just so uncomfortable feeling sadness after I feel such joy.

Plus, I can't wait to see what our Filipino/Irish/Scottish/German babies look like ;)

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  1. I've been feeling the same way - except with engagements/weddings. I've been with my boyfriend for almost eight years now and we're still not engaged. It's at the point now where I doubt we ever will get married, even if we are together forever. My best friend got engaged yesterday and I was ridiculously excited for her (I still am), but it also made me really sad to think that my life isn't anywhere near where I thought it would be at this point.

    1. I was in the SAME boat. I just ended a 6 year relationship because I realized after several failed conversations that he was never going to propose. It is the hardest thing, but I know that I want to get married and have a life with someone, and he just couldn't take the next step. I hope that this doesn't happen to you. I hope you are eternally happy!! Sometimes life isn't where WE thought it would be, but hopefully it just means that things are going to be that much better in the future ;-)

    2. I know coming from someone who is married, anything I say is probably annoying, so I apologize. What I think is awesome about your relationship is that you have cultivated it for eight years. You have gotten to know each other and experience life together. Even though Ryan and I will be married two years next week. However, Ryan was deployed for most of the first year in our marriage and we dated for a couple of months before getting married. On the outside looking in- that is the most impractical and foolish thing to do but we were both in the military and madly in love. People definitely weren't afraid to voice how stupid that was and it caused a lot of negativity. Because we've known each other for such a little amount of time before getting married and being physically distanced, this year was really our "first" year. We have had some whopper of fights and I often think many of them could have been avoided by just dating for years versus months.

      I don't know your boyfriend and so I don't know what choices he will make in your relationship but he obviously knows he's with a fantastic woman and not one to let get away. I hope that everything works out for you because you and AJ are wonderful women :)

  2. At least you know that you want a child. That's a great victory! Many women go through feeling that they "should" but do not and then have inner hatred for themselves. Take your time and build a great, GREAT, solid marriage with Ryan and bring a child into that. There are no promises, but one thing I know for sure - you can't put 'em back once they get here, so, Thank you for sharing!

    1. Thanks for commenting Regina! I always love seeing comments from you :)

      You're absolutely right, and I know that type of feeling as well as experiencing infertility are huge roadblocks for people and I'm not even at that point. I definitely let out a few laughs when you said, "you can't put 'em back once they get here, so," I'm sure wiser words have never been said. That type of thinking is why we're waiting. Babies-kids-teens are a lot of $$ and we're still starting out.

      We're focusing on working on us right now and praying to God to guide us. Thanks again Regina :)

  3. i am really working on not comparing my life to other's right now. its a HUGE challenge being almost 30, newly single, with a younger sister and best friend getting married this year. i am beyond happy for my married and engaged friends, but my sadness and jealousy is starting to cripple that. I HATE it. I'm really trying to keep in mind that God has a plan and everything happens for a reason...and the same applies for you and Ryan. You guys are young and have demanding careers right now. There is no rush to have a baby, so when it happens, it will be the right time and you will know. Until then, be an amazing auntie!!


    1. I have been experiencing so many lulls lately and yesterday I read the blog Living in Yellow's speech that Erin did at the Elevate Conference. She spoke about how a Gratitude Journal, one that I have continually picked up in the past, inspired her to blog. She was faithful to that journal for an entire year. I'm normally just as upbeat and positive person and I want to get back to that place of prayer and appreciation. I've been praying a ton lately and definitely journaling a lot more- it's been so therapeutic.

      I hate thinking that you're sad because you are such an amazing woman! I am so glad that we have had the opportunity to get to know each other through blogging. I never expected that starting this blog would introduce to so many people across the country and on other continents. God does have a plan! I never thought that I would get married early and because people knew that, they used that against me in many conversations with me before I married Ryan. It was hurtful and caused a few of my friendships to crumble. I'm still at a place where I'm trying to rebuild those friendships but I often feel like I need those friends to mature. What helped me was seeking true joy and happiness in who I was and all of a sudden Ryan came into my life.

      You're amazing and wonderful! Don't ever forget that ♥ ♥ ♥

  4. I can understand that-and it's completely ok to feel that way. You are a saint for being still elated and super happy and supportive of your friends even when you're sad that you're not there yet-and you get to feel all of that!

    I admire you! :)

    1. Thank you! That was such a wonderful compliment- I appreciate that. I will always be happy for my friends because I know what they're going through. Some of them have experienced miscarriages at a young age and I've seen them go through that as well. For me, family is so important and as long as you have love and the means to provide for them- go for it. Right now time isn't in my hands and it would be incredibly stressful not just on my career but also on my feelings of being a mother. I would rarely be available and that's not what I want for my Erskine babies. Thanks for commenting ♥