Keeping It Real: The Difficulties and Sins Within My Relationship

I really just want to call this "airing my dirty laundry" but I feel that in today's picture perfect, social-media driven world, it's important to be honest when we can be.  I tell my Young Life girls all of the time that what they see on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and Instagram are often times pictures that have been thought out in great detail and topped off with a filter.  It's a high-lights reel of our life...just a glimpse of it without the gruesome stuff that reality brings.

So this is me, being honest with all of you.  When I say all of you, I'm probably actually talking to my mom, some friends back home who keep up with my blog, and then some of my Air Force friends.  But this is it.  This is what keeping it real is all about.

f o s t e r i n g

Before I got married, I never really saw myself fostering. I definitely felt compelled to adopt because it's important to me and I believe that families have the potential to impact the outcome of our world.  A family is so crucial to helping a child prosper in life and I know that I can give a child a good home.  However, I never thought to foster but then I became a CASA and I started to think more about the idea.  Ever since I became one earlier this year, it's been something I've prayed about and thought about in great detail.  About a month ago, I felt that God was telling me that I needed to foster and I have a really strong faith. It may sound weird to you, the reader, but for me it is an important aspect of my faith.  So I was like okay God, I'll talk to Ryan about it and see where we're at.  Ryan wants to foster and adopt but he definitely does not feel the same calling that I feel right now.  This is something he wants to do in the future and I cannot explain how conflicted I feel about that.  I feel called right now and I know that I will do this at any point in my life but I feel so pulled to to do this right now and it's really difficult that we're not on the same page.  It's also difficult because as soon as I felt called, I started discount shopping for baby things.  I got screaming good deals on so much stuff.  Big stuff, like a crib, strollers, car seats, you name it and I got it.  It was all a very exciting process and I even sold my old Cricut to fund some of the furniture (again I got really good deals...as in everything for under $140).

That's not everything I got but one of our rooms is filled with baby things and it's quite fun.  However, with Ryan's reluctance to foster, they're just reminders of conflicts within our marriage. Instead of fostering Ryan wants us to try for a baby in January...which brings me to the next topic.

b a b i e s

You may have read the post Before You're Expecting and know how badly I want to have a baby.  Except now that I feel called to foster, something just doesn't feel right about having a biological baby right now.  I'm also kind of mad because I feel like my love for children and so badly wanting to have a baby is kind of being used as leverage in our situation.  I know Ryan is excited about the future prospect about trying to have a baby in the new year, except...I'm not.  I know that there is a strong likelihood that I'll change my mind and because of that I've still been taking prenatals because there's no way I'm risking my baby's safety because I'm indecisive.  I just want to be a mom on my own terms.  I also want to make sure that when I'm pregnant, that I'm absolutely, 100% thrilled.  I want to enjoy the experience as much as I can.  So I'm asking for prayers on guidance, clarity, and reassurance.

e d u c a t i o n

One of my biggest sins is how much I wish I could sometimes change my husband.  I want to be supportive and nurturing but sometimes I'm just angry.  Ryan has earned the right to be a full time student but when I was a full time student, I worked several jobs and would take 18 credits a semester. I think what is really difficult in our situation now is that back in college, I had very little sympathy for my peers who didn't work and now that's my husband.  I also work now and am about to wrap up my Master's Degree.  I love working and accomplishing my goals at the same time. I also have a really difficult time understanding the perspective of those who need to focus solely on their education.  I believe that everyone has the right to focus solely on their education, I just never had that experience and I legitimately cannot relate.

v a c a t i o n // t i m e

So that ultimately trickles into other areas. For example, I haven't been home in forever and flying out of this town is so expensive.  Basically I could fly from Wisconsin to California for a cheaper price than what it costs to fly into Montana.  It completely baffles my mind as to how this is possible.  But with that said, it's hard to not go home or go on vacations.  I desperately need a vacation and not in the state of Montana.  For those who know me really well, Christmas is a BIG deal to me and so not going home (again) is going to be another source of contention this year (again).

I recently got really mad at Ryan about this topic and I know it's not completely his fault.  Getting leave in my careerfield is very tricky, especially around the holidays.  Every month leading into the time where we could start asking, I made sure Ryan understood this.  I even went as far as looking up his school schedule before he even knew it so that he would be able to know when he had finals and when we could go.  Dates were never picked and the time to put in leave passed.  I am still irritated over this.

 

f i n a n c e s

 

I'm also not the best with money.  Ryan is significantly better at being fiscally responsible and budgeting for our family.  However, we also prioritize things differently.  With my job, I know that I need to get certain things done ahead of time.  If I don't, I will miss out an entire holiday season.  That's why I start Halloween decorations at the end of August and Christmas pictures are taken on Sweetest Day in October.  It just helps everything work out.  However, I'm also the partner in our relationship that cares more about that stuff as well.  So it makes it difficult when budgeting for certain things because ultimately the argument can lean towards, "this is something that is a want not a need."  It's also difficult when my allowance (yes we have monetary allowances) goes towards crafting for our home and all of a sudden things come up like having to make a food dish for an event. It's so stressful to have surprise things come up and I'm trying to be better about budgeting for those things but it is hard.  I've also had to prioritize certain things ahead of time and it is so hard to pass up a sale. I have a note on my phone that details my wish list items and my wish list even has the practical items like underwear.  It totally sucks when you go to Target and there's a sale on something but you have to prioritize something else. My money situation and how I handle it is so much different than what it was in college. I would reward myself by going to Sephora, Forever21, and H&M.  As a "real grown-up" the most recent clothing purchase I made was new underwear because I needed it.  Womp womp.

I also think it's interesting, when comparing the college versus now budgeting, how much I need to include my partner in decision making.  In college, I traveled all of the time for weddings, to visit friends, to go home, and to attend conferences.  I haven't done any of that in so long and today I was thinking about what it would take for me to go to a blogging conference.  I would have to budget for the tickets for the event, the plane ticket, hotel, food, etc. but I would also have to see if Ryan is cool with it, who would watch the dogs, etc.  A big problem with us is that we haven't gone home in a long time so going home is a top priority. With us not going home for the holidays, any other vacations are basically X'd out.

 

f r i e n d s

 

Building relationships and memories is really important to me.  I know it's important to Ryan but I don't think it's quite on the same level.  For people who I am really close with, I would do anything for them.  I would like to think of myself as incredibly loyal.  You cannot put a price on the value of these friendships to me.  However, that can be a problem because Ryan doesn't see things the way that I do sometimes.  I'm busy and gone a lot and for me, I think it would be easier for him to understand this if he was just as busy.  But instead, he doesn't understand why I don't like to stay home or why I'm so willing to help out a friend at a minute's notice.  That's just the way that I'm built.  I also really hate staying at home, unless it's after dinner.  I get bored very easily and I like to use my free time to contribute to society.  That's just how my brain works and I think it's so crazy that God put two completely different people together.

 

f i n i s h i n g // t h o u g h t s

That my friends is everything.  Before I got married, every "real grown-up" in my life told me it was hard but they never fully explained why and I think it's because of everything I've said above. It's hard to talk about and no one wants to be the source of blame or to blame their significant other.  Marriage is just super hard all around.  There are so many issues and scenarios that you cannot possible dream up or explain until you go through it.  My problems may not be the same as yours and you may have a set of problems and issues in your relationship that I cannot even fathom.  However, I think it's so important to share because it reminds people that this is hard and it was never meant to be a fairy tale or easy process.  I'm still trying to ingrain that into my head - marriage is not a fairy tale.  If yours is, that is awesome but mine is 100% hard work...blood, sweat, and tears all the way.  The good thing is that I know why God put me and Ryan together.  I think it's really cool to have an understanding of that.  Our marriage breaks us down, but also builds us back up and we don't have to do it alone.  We have a friend for life to help and we'll both grow in the process.

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Things that Freak Me Out About Marriage

As I was scrolling through Pinterest, I saw several posts from Redbook about "things every man is afraid of when it comes to marriage." Each one of these pins featured a different fear and while sometimes some of these lists and organized thought articles can be redundant, I actually really related to the topic. I'm at the point in my life where I am married and I think I've been out of cloud 9 for a while, if I was even there at all. Ryan and I started off our marriage into the depths of the military and spent most our first year (aka the honeymoon stage) separated by entire continents due to a deployment. This past year was the first in three that we lived together and had to work to together on a relatively daily basis.

To say that my marriage is difficult would be undermining everyone else's marriage. Marriage is difficult...for everyone. I have a few friends who seem to pull it off flawlessly but for us mere mortals, our sins and daily gripes bring us down to a level of normalcy that makes pulling off a relationship like marriage, a daily struggle.

So I thought I would put together a few thoughts on things that freak me out about marriage and my future. If you're married or are in a long-term relationship, you may share these thoughts or maybe I'm pulling something straight outta left field, but I think this is an important conversation because it reminds myself and others that marriage is hard work and is not meant to be easy.

I put too much pressure on my spouse to be my prince-charming.

I worry that I have too high of expectations on my husband. If you know me, I have a high energy-high enthusiasm type of personality. Give me a project and I'll run with it. However, for Ryan, it's a different story. Thinking creatively and romantically for him is a struggle and sometimes I wonder if my idea of romance is just well, too much. Which brings me to my next "fear."

That I will never have the type of marriage that I pictured.

 

Not gonna lie, my marriage is not the type of marriage I pictured back in the day. Not even so much "back in the day" but even recently, in my college years. I didn't picture us owning a mansion with expensive cars. No, I pictured a better flow of communication and small acts of kindness and romance. I didn't picture fights over folding laundry and who is obsessing over something a little too much. My picture of marriage included more spontaneity and less gaining weight. Ryan has managed to stay pretty fit while I struggle to cut back on weight that I gained after becoming a missileer. I also definitely pictured more vacations and romantic trips. Now that may have been less than realistic but our last vacation was a short drive to Pasadena to see the Rose Bowl for a three day trip, last year. Marriage isn't quite as romantic as I pictured it and you cut back on things to save money and to be realistic, but until you're in that lifestyle, I don't think I could have really understood what that was like.

We'll never have kids.

 

I worry about this a lot. Ryan and I both want to have kids but now is not good timing for us. I think it's pretty typical in the missileer careerfield for female missileers to wait until they're captains to have a baby. I'm not even a first lieutenant yet. The timing isn't ideal and Ryan hasn't finished his Bachelor's Degree. While timing is an issue, I worry about physically carrying babies as well. My mom, in her early 30s, developed cysts on her ovaries and had to have surgery to have her uterus removed. That's intense stuff.  Plus with being a lieutenant, my code-55 isn't supposed to end until I'm around 28...maybe 27.  It's getting close to that age and I worry about those health concerns.

I also worry that we'll get to a point where I become so focused on my career and projects that having kids gets put on the back burner forever.  I hope this doesn't happen but it's very possible.

We end in the big D

 

With the high rate of divorce in our country and how divorce affects everyone's lives, it's definitely come up once or twice.  Before Ryan and I got married, we took divorce off of the table. We said, "we're gonna make this work."  Since then there have been a handful of times where I was certain we would get a divorce. It's definitely no laughing matter but it's come up.  Those brutally awful fights where you're looking at the other person and thinking, "how is this ever going to work?"  Well fortunately it has and lots of apologies and tears have been shared.  But I also don't think our society makes it easier on us to stick it through.  When I'm exhausted from work and desperately need a vacation, I do think about how if I was single I'd probably be in the Dominican Republic on a beach somewhere.  It does cross my mind and I'm not going to pretend it doesn't.  It also comes across my mind how I would probably be less stressed in only having to communicate with female roommates and have a way better closet filled with awesome clothes.  It happens.

But what snaps me out of it is how proud I am of our marriage.  Every day we beat the odds, one day at a time.  Some days are really good and some are pretty awful, but we get through it.

What are some things that totally freak you our or worry you about your relationship?

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2014's Anniversary Challenge

  It's MAYYYYYYY

 

The awesome thing about May for our family involves my mother-in-law's birthday and Ryan and my wedding anniversary!  Last year's anniversary didn't go so well...

An Exercise in Personal Values

Last week I had the opportunity to be a part of a group that was doing a trial run of an ethical decision making program.  It was created and hosted by one of my favorite leaders, a chaplain from the Reserves who is visiting from Texas.  Her presence is so neat because she is the first female military chaplain that I've ever met and she's also very awesome.  She created a program that was not only awesome, but it wasn't a death by PowerPoint that, well let's face it, most military briefings are like.  We sat down to do the trial run and were introduced to a personal values exercise and a choose-your-own-adventure exercise.  What what! Yeah, it was that fun.  I hadn't done a CYOA since I was like in 4th grade.  The personal values exercise was what I wanted to focus on in this post because it was not only fun, but it provided a point of clarity.

On a sheet of paper were several 20 values and a blank space to add your own.  The values had their own descriptions and the exercise involved putting a plus sign next to your top eight values that you feel are most important to you.

Deal Breakers I wish I had when I was Single

After I wrote about my deal breakers that I had when I was single, I got to thinking about the deal breakers that I would make if I could go back and have a good long talk with myself.

Deal Breaker 1: Dating for the Sake of Dating

When I heard this phrase "dating to marry," I thought the idea was crazy.  Why in the world would I want to date someone with the sole intention of marrying them? That sounds like a whole pot of crazy that I would be sloshing around. Hello, I'm Kim and this date will determine if you're a good husband select.  However, there is some method to this madness.  I read this completely ratchet article on women that had the saltiest delivery of information that I had ever read but also offered nuggets of wisdom. It did provide one golden egg and that was that if you're dating for the sake of dating, you're going to be with people for only 3-4 months and that's it.  You're literally there for the physical aspects and that's it.  

While I was going through the Air Force ROTC program, I realized through my own observations and the constant message from guest speakers that your spouse would be a key contributor to your career.  I saw many folks in healthy, long-term relationships and I had a hard time keeping long term relationships myself.  It caused me to think that I wasn't going to find a boyfriend in college that was going to keep a relationship, especially with an Air Force career and distance. So I started dating because I didn't want to be lonely and there were tons of really cute guys.  Why not?  Well it became a problem because we would date for a couple months, realize it wasn't really working or it was just existing and then drop it.  But it didn't stop there. A couple months later we'd start talking again and pick it back up.  However, nothing changed for either party in the relationship and it would drop again.  The reality is that God has a plan for you and you can date other people but then you're investing your heart, time, and energy into something that you know isn't going to work.

Picture Sourced from Pinterest

I would consistently run into the same problems. I liked him more than he really liked me or he liked me way more than I liked him.  I also found myself with a guy for the sole reason that I thought he was hot.  There were so few things in common with each other that we might as well have been strangers.  During all of that time, I could have invested myself into other programs, my goals or developing a better relationship with the Lord (I accomplished a ton already in college, but imagine what else I could have accomplished in that time).  God has a life plan for you and it may or may not include a life partner, but you don't have to get caught up in the idea that I need someone to be happy.  It wasn't until my other momma, Ruth, told me to focus on being happy because great people are attracted to happy people did I realize that message.  I needed to work on myself first, not get so caught up on what was going on around me, and things will fall into place.

Deal Breaker 2: Is he really that interesting when he's not in a frat house basement?
The really great thing about universities is that you have a bunch of young people (or older folks) who are throwing themselves out there to obtain their goals and ambitions. There are a lot of smart, attractive, and successful people e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e.  I feel like the term plenty of fish in the sea was developed for people in college because it's very applicable.  Despite all of these successes, when you mix alcohol, youth, and tight clothes- every perspective becomes skewed. Now I'm not hear to lecture anyone on participating in any of the above behaviors because honestly, I'm rather proud that I could fit into all of these itty bitty clothes and look good.  However, it's fun to meet people at these places and fun parties, but it's better to meet them outside of an environment that isn't tailored to perfection. I see a fraternity basement party as like an episode of The Bachelor, which is a laughable notion, I know. But you've got guys, usually significantly outnumbered by beautiful young women, and these ladies are vying for their attention in gorgeous party clothes.  These ladies aren't rocking a messy top knot and sweats, they spent time on their hair, makeup, etc.  The guys made some semblance of an effort, usually planning a party.  It's not very realistic when it comes to the day-to-day.  Once you put that guy at a library at 2 am studying or a girl working as a waitress to get through school, that's just us as normal people. There's always that awkward moment when you're in a class with someone and you recognize them from a party but don't really know them.  For me, some of those very people would later become good friends of mine, but I can tell you right now that I didn't marry any of them.  I wish college Kim would have gotten to know a person through coffee dates instead of dance moves and shots.  It would have also helped me learn a lot more about some guys who would really put me into unhealthy relationships.

Deal Breaker 3: If he doesn't treat you well now, he most certainly won't later.

From my perspective, I think this is the hardest thing for young women to grasp.  I'm not sure if it's the idea that we can change someone that makes it so difficult or if we are innately too trusting of others. Whatever it is, I think it's important to get out there that if a guy doesn't respect women and treat them well, he isn't going to magically treat you well later.  A ring, a wedding, a kid- none of that changes for sure.  If you're even thinking of exploring a relationship with someone, you deserve to start with a fairly balanced slate.  If it's tipped in his favor, you're going to get screwed over in the end and heartbroken.  If he's a player or legitimately a bad boyfriend, it's not your job to change him. It's his job to get his shit together.  Don't be with someone who has those kind of problems because he won't treat you well, you'll wonder why, and he simply will not give a damn.  It is literally so incredibly frustrating.

Pinterest Sourced Picture

Deal Breaker 4: Does he understand how to court a lady?

I don't think the young men of my generation understand how to court a lady. I went on so few dates in college in comparison to how many guys made passes at me, that it's embarrassing.  To me that says I don't want to invest the time nor energy in getting to know you, so the alternative is to see if you'll make out with me or  do anything else physical.  I find this to be such a shame.  There is such an art to courting and it doesn't have to be a Nicholas Sparks novel but boys don't have to try nearly as hard as they used to, to get a lady's attention.  I'm not saying that I helped this by any means.  I wish I established those expectations and kept them throughout college because I think that young women deserve to be taken out on actual dates and treated with dignity and respect.  Even being married, there are certain things that go completely above Ryan's head because he and his peers were never put into a position where they had to make a strong, concerted effort to be gentlemen.

Deal Breaker 5: Could I see myself having a baby with this guy?
This deal breaker is actually really personal for me and I know this is stirring the pot of crazy but this was a moment that happened to me in college.  In order to get any type of birth control prescription, you are asked a series of questions like when you last had sex or when you had your period.  Well I hadn't had my period yet and I had sex so I had to take a pregnancy test before I could have a certain birth control prescribed to me.  Although I knew I wasn't pregnant, the thought floated in the back of my mind and a very blatant question came up in my life. Would I want to have a baby with this guy?  The answer was no.  I liked him and he was successful, very smart, talented, the whole kit and kaboodle. On paper he was a really awesome guy but I knew I didn't want to have a family with him. So then that raises other questions like if I was pregnant, could I count on him? It also made me question my intentions with him.  If I had no desire of a future with him, then why was I with him?  The relationship quickly ended after that for additional reasons, but this deal breaker was something that faltered throughout my college experience.  I think the worst is when you've committed yourself to someone thinking that they're great and you're asking yourself those important questions and then they let you down.  Sometimes it's not even them, you just have physical desires that seem completely out of place once you get down to those values and start asking yourself those questions. 

Deal Breaker 6: What are his ambitions and life goals looking like?

Don't get caught up in how pretty the picture looks.  A lot of the guys I dated in college looked amazing on paper (and in person) and are very successful today.  However, our life goals, ambitions, and values often were very different.  I briefly dated a football player who would go on to play football professionally.  We definitely were not headed in the same direction but shared the same values.  I also dated another guy who I was madly in love with but wasn't going anywhere with his life.  Now that was a sad story.  If he isn't getting his on life on track, you can't stay with him because you're constantly going to be leading someone who is old enough to lead himself.

Well there you have it.  Six deal breakers that I wish I had or used more frequently throughout college. What are some deal breakers that you wish you had?

If you liked this post, share it with others! If you feel particularly moved by it, leave a comment because I love feedback and discussion. Social media links are provided below and thanks for reading!