Keeping It Real: The Difficulties and Sins Within My Relationship

I really just want to call this "airing my dirty laundry" but I feel that in today's picture perfect, social-media driven world, it's important to be honest when we can be.  I tell my Young Life girls all of the time that what they see on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and Instagram are often times pictures that have been thought out in great detail and topped off with a filter.  It's a high-lights reel of our life...just a glimpse of it without the gruesome stuff that reality brings.

So this is me, being honest with all of you.  When I say all of you, I'm probably actually talking to my mom, some friends back home who keep up with my blog, and then some of my Air Force friends.  But this is it.  This is what keeping it real is all about.

f o s t e r i n g

Before I got married, I never really saw myself fostering. I definitely felt compelled to adopt because it's important to me and I believe that families have the potential to impact the outcome of our world.  A family is so crucial to helping a child prosper in life and I know that I can give a child a good home.  However, I never thought to foster but then I became a CASA and I started to think more about the idea.  Ever since I became one earlier this year, it's been something I've prayed about and thought about in great detail.  About a month ago, I felt that God was telling me that I needed to foster and I have a really strong faith. It may sound weird to you, the reader, but for me it is an important aspect of my faith.  So I was like okay God, I'll talk to Ryan about it and see where we're at.  Ryan wants to foster and adopt but he definitely does not feel the same calling that I feel right now.  This is something he wants to do in the future and I cannot explain how conflicted I feel about that.  I feel called right now and I know that I will do this at any point in my life but I feel so pulled to to do this right now and it's really difficult that we're not on the same page.  It's also difficult because as soon as I felt called, I started discount shopping for baby things.  I got screaming good deals on so much stuff.  Big stuff, like a crib, strollers, car seats, you name it and I got it.  It was all a very exciting process and I even sold my old Cricut to fund some of the furniture (again I got really good deals...as in everything for under $140).

That's not everything I got but one of our rooms is filled with baby things and it's quite fun.  However, with Ryan's reluctance to foster, they're just reminders of conflicts within our marriage. Instead of fostering Ryan wants us to try for a baby in January...which brings me to the next topic.

b a b i e s

You may have read the post Before You're Expecting and know how badly I want to have a baby.  Except now that I feel called to foster, something just doesn't feel right about having a biological baby right now.  I'm also kind of mad because I feel like my love for children and so badly wanting to have a baby is kind of being used as leverage in our situation.  I know Ryan is excited about the future prospect about trying to have a baby in the new year, except...I'm not.  I know that there is a strong likelihood that I'll change my mind and because of that I've still been taking prenatals because there's no way I'm risking my baby's safety because I'm indecisive.  I just want to be a mom on my own terms.  I also want to make sure that when I'm pregnant, that I'm absolutely, 100% thrilled.  I want to enjoy the experience as much as I can.  So I'm asking for prayers on guidance, clarity, and reassurance.

e d u c a t i o n

One of my biggest sins is how much I wish I could sometimes change my husband.  I want to be supportive and nurturing but sometimes I'm just angry.  Ryan has earned the right to be a full time student but when I was a full time student, I worked several jobs and would take 18 credits a semester. I think what is really difficult in our situation now is that back in college, I had very little sympathy for my peers who didn't work and now that's my husband.  I also work now and am about to wrap up my Master's Degree.  I love working and accomplishing my goals at the same time. I also have a really difficult time understanding the perspective of those who need to focus solely on their education.  I believe that everyone has the right to focus solely on their education, I just never had that experience and I legitimately cannot relate.

v a c a t i o n // t i m e

So that ultimately trickles into other areas. For example, I haven't been home in forever and flying out of this town is so expensive.  Basically I could fly from Wisconsin to California for a cheaper price than what it costs to fly into Montana.  It completely baffles my mind as to how this is possible.  But with that said, it's hard to not go home or go on vacations.  I desperately need a vacation and not in the state of Montana.  For those who know me really well, Christmas is a BIG deal to me and so not going home (again) is going to be another source of contention this year (again).

I recently got really mad at Ryan about this topic and I know it's not completely his fault.  Getting leave in my careerfield is very tricky, especially around the holidays.  Every month leading into the time where we could start asking, I made sure Ryan understood this.  I even went as far as looking up his school schedule before he even knew it so that he would be able to know when he had finals and when we could go.  Dates were never picked and the time to put in leave passed.  I am still irritated over this.

 

f i n a n c e s

 

I'm also not the best with money.  Ryan is significantly better at being fiscally responsible and budgeting for our family.  However, we also prioritize things differently.  With my job, I know that I need to get certain things done ahead of time.  If I don't, I will miss out an entire holiday season.  That's why I start Halloween decorations at the end of August and Christmas pictures are taken on Sweetest Day in October.  It just helps everything work out.  However, I'm also the partner in our relationship that cares more about that stuff as well.  So it makes it difficult when budgeting for certain things because ultimately the argument can lean towards, "this is something that is a want not a need."  It's also difficult when my allowance (yes we have monetary allowances) goes towards crafting for our home and all of a sudden things come up like having to make a food dish for an event. It's so stressful to have surprise things come up and I'm trying to be better about budgeting for those things but it is hard.  I've also had to prioritize certain things ahead of time and it is so hard to pass up a sale. I have a note on my phone that details my wish list items and my wish list even has the practical items like underwear.  It totally sucks when you go to Target and there's a sale on something but you have to prioritize something else. My money situation and how I handle it is so much different than what it was in college. I would reward myself by going to Sephora, Forever21, and H&M.  As a "real grown-up" the most recent clothing purchase I made was new underwear because I needed it.  Womp womp.

I also think it's interesting, when comparing the college versus now budgeting, how much I need to include my partner in decision making.  In college, I traveled all of the time for weddings, to visit friends, to go home, and to attend conferences.  I haven't done any of that in so long and today I was thinking about what it would take for me to go to a blogging conference.  I would have to budget for the tickets for the event, the plane ticket, hotel, food, etc. but I would also have to see if Ryan is cool with it, who would watch the dogs, etc.  A big problem with us is that we haven't gone home in a long time so going home is a top priority. With us not going home for the holidays, any other vacations are basically X'd out.

 

f r i e n d s

 

Building relationships and memories is really important to me.  I know it's important to Ryan but I don't think it's quite on the same level.  For people who I am really close with, I would do anything for them.  I would like to think of myself as incredibly loyal.  You cannot put a price on the value of these friendships to me.  However, that can be a problem because Ryan doesn't see things the way that I do sometimes.  I'm busy and gone a lot and for me, I think it would be easier for him to understand this if he was just as busy.  But instead, he doesn't understand why I don't like to stay home or why I'm so willing to help out a friend at a minute's notice.  That's just the way that I'm built.  I also really hate staying at home, unless it's after dinner.  I get bored very easily and I like to use my free time to contribute to society.  That's just how my brain works and I think it's so crazy that God put two completely different people together.

 

f i n i s h i n g // t h o u g h t s

That my friends is everything.  Before I got married, every "real grown-up" in my life told me it was hard but they never fully explained why and I think it's because of everything I've said above. It's hard to talk about and no one wants to be the source of blame or to blame their significant other.  Marriage is just super hard all around.  There are so many issues and scenarios that you cannot possible dream up or explain until you go through it.  My problems may not be the same as yours and you may have a set of problems and issues in your relationship that I cannot even fathom.  However, I think it's so important to share because it reminds people that this is hard and it was never meant to be a fairy tale or easy process.  I'm still trying to ingrain that into my head - marriage is not a fairy tale.  If yours is, that is awesome but mine is 100% hard work...blood, sweat, and tears all the way.  The good thing is that I know why God put me and Ryan together.  I think it's really cool to have an understanding of that.  Our marriage breaks us down, but also builds us back up and we don't have to do it alone.  We have a friend for life to help and we'll both grow in the process.

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Is it Just Me or Is Halloween Like Crazy Expensive?

I absolutely love decorating and now that we've moved into this awesome house, I have felt the urge to decorate every square inch of it.  Then real life sets in and I walk around Target and see that every Pinterest-worthy item is easily $20 or more.  A couple items later and you've spent $100 and that's only the bathroom. Yikes!

It also certainly doesn't help that the other end of our street is stacked with houses that are decked to the nines with holiday decor.  There's a house that is overwhelmed with huge fake spiders and it looks totally and completely awesome.  Another family built this crate that when you walk by it, it shakes furiously.  The number of Halloween-style cemeteries on the end of my street is impressive.  For awhile there I tried to brainstorm how I could bring the dancing ghosts from Disney's Haunted House ride to my yard because I felt the strong urge to one-up those cemeteries.

 

 

Then I realized that might be impossible.  

 

However this is not the first holiday that Ryan and I have been married and on a limited budget.  Last year, when we lived at Vandenberg AFB, we had a roommate named Brittany.  Brittany and I have been good friends for a long time and definitely decked out the entire house in Halloween decor.  Her birthday is towards the end of the month and we held a Halloween party but everything that could be decorated had something Halloween related with it.

 

Here are my top tips for celebrating Halloween within in a budget:

 

 

 1. Look for sale items and utilize coupons.

Although this seems like a no-brainer, people have a tendency to pick up an item as soon as they think they might need it.  Michael's has Halloween decor on sale starting in late September and usually it's 40% off.  The problem with waiting for Halloween to be over with and looking for post-Halloween sales is that stuff either completely gone or picked over.  Michael's, Hobby Lobby, Joanne's, and Target all have apps and weekly coupons.  You could end up saving 40% with an app coupon and that smartphone is handy to have around.

 

2.  Choose decorations that can be used again.

Last year, Brittany and I invested in probably 20 spiderwebs.  We had the glow-in-the-dark webs and they covered everything from our outside decor to the vaulted ceilings in our rental house.  We threw them all away once Halloween passed and that's something I regret.  Last year, those stretchy spiderwebs were $1-$2, but this year they're $3.  That means by simply buying three spiderwebs for outdoor decor, you're investing $9 into something that will be thrown away.  By choosing quality decorations, you can use them year after year.  

Last year I also visited a Halloween party store...one of my favorite things.  Everything is really cheap, however, it's cheap because it really only lasts for that Halloween.  After Halloween had passed, only two of the five foam tombstones in our front yard made it.  I salvaged those two but even this year, they really can't handle Montana winds.

 

3.  If you can save it, save it.

One of my favorite decorations that we have are the black diecut bats from a Martha Stewart craft kit that I got on sale at Michael's last year.  They're made out of thick cardstock and the sticky tabs that they came with are obviously no longer good this year, but a $3 package of command poster tabs is a great replacement. 

 

4. Little things can work wonders.

Little items, such as Halloween-themed bathroom hand towels, bunting, or a small garland are the little details that add up to so much more.  If I see smaller ceramic pumpkins on sale, I usually buy them because they can go on any surface in your home or can be used for a greater collection.

 

5. Thrift!

If you didn't know, Target donates leftover stock items to local Goodwills.  So definitely stop by and see what you can find.  This year, I found Halloween items from last year that were only a couple bucks.  On that trip I spent $30 at Goodwill but got a ton of decorating items for places like my kitchen and the bathroom. 

6. Compare but be Realistic.

Instagram and Pinterest are great tools to stir your creative pot and get ideas flowing.  However, make sure to be realistic with your budget and time.  The house down the road may be in a better financial situation, or they have been collecting decorations for years.  Don't play "keeping up with the Smith's." It will become exhausting and takes the fun out of decorating.  Also remember that simplicity goes a long way.

What are your tips for Halloween decorating?

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Why I Chose to Buy My Wedding Dress Online

There's a discount code and free giveaway at the end of this post, so read on!

It was a cold and windy day in Southern California when Ryan proposed to me.  About a month before, he suggested the idea of us getting married and I thought he was crazy.  In fact, in talking about our dating history today in the kitchen, Ryan didn't think of us as dating when I thought we were dating (this is totally Girl Code material).  So if we used Ryan's terms of being "chill," then we went from being chill to getting married.  Yep, just us two crazy kids getting hitched.

Following his random stream of conscious thoughts and ideas of getting married, I started to warm up to the concept.  We were madly in love in our chill state of being.  I was going to spend spring break in Oceanside, California where Ryan was stationed and was thinking that he might propose.  I spent most of my spring break having to entertain myself in a small chain hotel across the street from a trailer park.  I would go off on my own adventures with purse and camera in hand.  I walked to the pier and got a shake at Ruby's and visited the surf museum.  I also explored the road that the hotel was located on.  There wasn't much besides nail salons, a McDonald's and a grocery store.  When Ryan would get off work, we would simply enjoy the time together, go for drives, and just check out Southern California.  We didn't have a lot of money and I had spent most of it buying plane tickets.  One day he texted me asking if I wanted to walk on the beach after he got off of work.  That was so unlike him and my cue to get my nails done.  Like I said, where that street lacked entertainment value, it made up for the number of nail salons it had.

After we became engaged, I was swept up in the process of finishing my junior year of college, announcing the exciting news to friends and family and planning a wedding.  I was met with a lot of resistance from family and some friends.  This was during a large hit from the recession and my dad had lost his job.  It was not the most ideal of times for a wedding but like I said, us crazy kids were getting hitched.  My family didn't have any money to contribute and neither did Ryan's.  Due to his difficulties of getting leave, we decided to get married in California.

I was obsessed with weddings while I was growing up.  While little girls dreamed of their weddings, I could actually plan one.  I knew tips, tricks, and money savers by the age of 10.  I adored the wedding planning issues that would come out in the summer newspapers and magazines.  I'm weird like that.  However, it definitely came in handy when dealing with an insanely small budget.  Ryan basically told me that we had like $800 for the entire thing and besides the rings, we did spend less than that.

I knew it was going to be small and that our families were going to have a difficult time affording plane tickets and hotel accommodations so it was probably going to be just me and him and whoever else could make it.  We decided to get married on the beach on Coronado and it would be some family and friends.  I ended up spending hours on Etsy finding military and beach-themed items.  Ryan's father passed away the week of our wedding, so we flew back home and ended up getting married there.  Weddings can be tricky like that but I could only imagine if we had spent more and had to cancel, that would have been really hard on our budget and our families.

I knew that I would have to buy my wedding dress with my wages and on a college budget, that was going to be tricky.  That's when I remembered reading about the cost benefits of purchasing your dress online.  So the hunt began with me Googling wedding dress sites and comparing that to store costs.  The difference was in hundreds, even thousands, of dollars.  It was a stressful time for me because I felt like the expectations seen on Pinterest, Say Yes to the Dress which was always on in my sorority house, and every dream wedding out there was making it difficult to work with our budget.  While creating this post, I actually looked back at old Facebook messages I sent my best-friend Emily.  I was venting to her about wedding costs, going to bridal shows where I could absolutely not afford the $1,000 photobooths and cupcakes, and my fiance (hubby now) feeling terrible about us not having a "dream" wedding.  Saving on the dress was a major aspect of my budget and online shopping helped tremendously.

That's why when SimplyBridal contacted me, I knew this would be a great opportunity to share with all of you.  The only thing that I'm getting through this sponsorship is an opportunity to share with you a great business that will not only save you money but they have offered a discount code and a giveaway of a product from their jewelery line.  Not only does this website have wedding gowns, but also bridesmaid dresses, so if you're looking for something for a wedding coming up soon, this is a great stop.  What's great about them is that they're based in the U.S. and can customize your gown through tailoring and embroidery to fit what you want for your special occasion.  Just because of your budget, doesn't mean that you have to sacrifice on the dress you want or its quality.  I ordered my dress from a website that had its factory/store overseas and was stressed about having it arrive on time.  You don't have to worry about international shipping here.  They have their own seamstresses, sample makers, and designers so that the dresses are finished in 20 days and you get the best cost possible!

I went through and chose some great gowns that caught my eye and thought I'd share their prices below to give you an idea of what to expect from your browsing experience.

SimplyBridal: $233.99 Retail: $1,403.99

SimplyBridal: $99.99  Retail: $599.99

SimplyBridal: $215.99  Retail: $1,295.99

These dresses are incredibly gorgeous and at great prices.  If you're nervous about sizing, try a local store first and get a good idea of what your size is in gowns and long dresses.  Don't be afraid to call SimplyBridal's customer service and ask questions.  They have some really great sales going on and you're getting quality dresses for a great price.  I know some ladies out there may be looking for that Say Yes to the Dress Experience but if you're also looking to save on cost, think about alternatives.  Maybe have a dress reveal party for your friends and turn it into a girl's night or even brunch.  When budgeting for your wedding,  certain things will definitely cost more than others.  For me, I wanted a beautiful dress but I didn't want to break the bank and this is a great solution for that. 

SimplyBridal has offered a great opportunity with a 15% discount to their site that lasts until July 5th.

This will only last for the first 10 users and if for some reason it doesn't work for you, send me an e-mail.

Code: SBL176TS

Discount: 15% (shipping not included)

Expiration: 07/05/2013

Not only that but they're also hosting a giveaway for a 

free piece from their jewelry line, up to $20.  

 

In order to enter, you need to do 3 things

1. Like SimplyBridal's Facebook Page  

2. Like The Simplicity's Facebook Page

3. Leave a comment below letting me know what your favorite wedding detail is from Pinterest, from your own wedding, or what is your favorite dress from the site.  Leave a link, I totally want to see :)