We Can Do Hard Things

The famous blogger and writer Glennon says that we can do hard things and in this moment, it has been a phrase that I use for strength. Marriage is pretty darn hard. I've written about it and talked in great depth about this topic. I've been wanting and praying to foster and I don't think it will be now. It's been really hard on me. I'm trying to be understanding and aware of Ryan's perspective in the situation but it's tough on me. So today I put away the things I got for fostering. It's better to put away the playpen and bumbo from our living room and put the baby clothes in the closet. I would appreciate prayers. Thanks y'all.

Keeping It Real: The Difficulties and Sins Within My Relationship

I really just want to call this "airing my dirty laundry" but I feel that in today's picture perfect, social-media driven world, it's important to be honest when we can be.  I tell my Young Life girls all of the time that what they see on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and Instagram are often times pictures that have been thought out in great detail and topped off with a filter.  It's a high-lights reel of our life...just a glimpse of it without the gruesome stuff that reality brings.

So this is me, being honest with all of you.  When I say all of you, I'm probably actually talking to my mom, some friends back home who keep up with my blog, and then some of my Air Force friends.  But this is it.  This is what keeping it real is all about.

f o s t e r i n g

Before I got married, I never really saw myself fostering. I definitely felt compelled to adopt because it's important to me and I believe that families have the potential to impact the outcome of our world.  A family is so crucial to helping a child prosper in life and I know that I can give a child a good home.  However, I never thought to foster but then I became a CASA and I started to think more about the idea.  Ever since I became one earlier this year, it's been something I've prayed about and thought about in great detail.  About a month ago, I felt that God was telling me that I needed to foster and I have a really strong faith. It may sound weird to you, the reader, but for me it is an important aspect of my faith.  So I was like okay God, I'll talk to Ryan about it and see where we're at.  Ryan wants to foster and adopt but he definitely does not feel the same calling that I feel right now.  This is something he wants to do in the future and I cannot explain how conflicted I feel about that.  I feel called right now and I know that I will do this at any point in my life but I feel so pulled to to do this right now and it's really difficult that we're not on the same page.  It's also difficult because as soon as I felt called, I started discount shopping for baby things.  I got screaming good deals on so much stuff.  Big stuff, like a crib, strollers, car seats, you name it and I got it.  It was all a very exciting process and I even sold my old Cricut to fund some of the furniture (again I got really good deals...as in everything for under $140).

That's not everything I got but one of our rooms is filled with baby things and it's quite fun.  However, with Ryan's reluctance to foster, they're just reminders of conflicts within our marriage. Instead of fostering Ryan wants us to try for a baby in January...which brings me to the next topic.

b a b i e s

You may have read the post Before You're Expecting and know how badly I want to have a baby.  Except now that I feel called to foster, something just doesn't feel right about having a biological baby right now.  I'm also kind of mad because I feel like my love for children and so badly wanting to have a baby is kind of being used as leverage in our situation.  I know Ryan is excited about the future prospect about trying to have a baby in the new year, except...I'm not.  I know that there is a strong likelihood that I'll change my mind and because of that I've still been taking prenatals because there's no way I'm risking my baby's safety because I'm indecisive.  I just want to be a mom on my own terms.  I also want to make sure that when I'm pregnant, that I'm absolutely, 100% thrilled.  I want to enjoy the experience as much as I can.  So I'm asking for prayers on guidance, clarity, and reassurance.

e d u c a t i o n

One of my biggest sins is how much I wish I could sometimes change my husband.  I want to be supportive and nurturing but sometimes I'm just angry.  Ryan has earned the right to be a full time student but when I was a full time student, I worked several jobs and would take 18 credits a semester. I think what is really difficult in our situation now is that back in college, I had very little sympathy for my peers who didn't work and now that's my husband.  I also work now and am about to wrap up my Master's Degree.  I love working and accomplishing my goals at the same time. I also have a really difficult time understanding the perspective of those who need to focus solely on their education.  I believe that everyone has the right to focus solely on their education, I just never had that experience and I legitimately cannot relate.

v a c a t i o n // t i m e

So that ultimately trickles into other areas. For example, I haven't been home in forever and flying out of this town is so expensive.  Basically I could fly from Wisconsin to California for a cheaper price than what it costs to fly into Montana.  It completely baffles my mind as to how this is possible.  But with that said, it's hard to not go home or go on vacations.  I desperately need a vacation and not in the state of Montana.  For those who know me really well, Christmas is a BIG deal to me and so not going home (again) is going to be another source of contention this year (again).

I recently got really mad at Ryan about this topic and I know it's not completely his fault.  Getting leave in my careerfield is very tricky, especially around the holidays.  Every month leading into the time where we could start asking, I made sure Ryan understood this.  I even went as far as looking up his school schedule before he even knew it so that he would be able to know when he had finals and when we could go.  Dates were never picked and the time to put in leave passed.  I am still irritated over this.

 

f i n a n c e s

 

I'm also not the best with money.  Ryan is significantly better at being fiscally responsible and budgeting for our family.  However, we also prioritize things differently.  With my job, I know that I need to get certain things done ahead of time.  If I don't, I will miss out an entire holiday season.  That's why I start Halloween decorations at the end of August and Christmas pictures are taken on Sweetest Day in October.  It just helps everything work out.  However, I'm also the partner in our relationship that cares more about that stuff as well.  So it makes it difficult when budgeting for certain things because ultimately the argument can lean towards, "this is something that is a want not a need."  It's also difficult when my allowance (yes we have monetary allowances) goes towards crafting for our home and all of a sudden things come up like having to make a food dish for an event. It's so stressful to have surprise things come up and I'm trying to be better about budgeting for those things but it is hard.  I've also had to prioritize certain things ahead of time and it is so hard to pass up a sale. I have a note on my phone that details my wish list items and my wish list even has the practical items like underwear.  It totally sucks when you go to Target and there's a sale on something but you have to prioritize something else. My money situation and how I handle it is so much different than what it was in college. I would reward myself by going to Sephora, Forever21, and H&M.  As a "real grown-up" the most recent clothing purchase I made was new underwear because I needed it.  Womp womp.

I also think it's interesting, when comparing the college versus now budgeting, how much I need to include my partner in decision making.  In college, I traveled all of the time for weddings, to visit friends, to go home, and to attend conferences.  I haven't done any of that in so long and today I was thinking about what it would take for me to go to a blogging conference.  I would have to budget for the tickets for the event, the plane ticket, hotel, food, etc. but I would also have to see if Ryan is cool with it, who would watch the dogs, etc.  A big problem with us is that we haven't gone home in a long time so going home is a top priority. With us not going home for the holidays, any other vacations are basically X'd out.

 

f r i e n d s

 

Building relationships and memories is really important to me.  I know it's important to Ryan but I don't think it's quite on the same level.  For people who I am really close with, I would do anything for them.  I would like to think of myself as incredibly loyal.  You cannot put a price on the value of these friendships to me.  However, that can be a problem because Ryan doesn't see things the way that I do sometimes.  I'm busy and gone a lot and for me, I think it would be easier for him to understand this if he was just as busy.  But instead, he doesn't understand why I don't like to stay home or why I'm so willing to help out a friend at a minute's notice.  That's just the way that I'm built.  I also really hate staying at home, unless it's after dinner.  I get bored very easily and I like to use my free time to contribute to society.  That's just how my brain works and I think it's so crazy that God put two completely different people together.

 

f i n i s h i n g // t h o u g h t s

That my friends is everything.  Before I got married, every "real grown-up" in my life told me it was hard but they never fully explained why and I think it's because of everything I've said above. It's hard to talk about and no one wants to be the source of blame or to blame their significant other.  Marriage is just super hard all around.  There are so many issues and scenarios that you cannot possible dream up or explain until you go through it.  My problems may not be the same as yours and you may have a set of problems and issues in your relationship that I cannot even fathom.  However, I think it's so important to share because it reminds people that this is hard and it was never meant to be a fairy tale or easy process.  I'm still trying to ingrain that into my head - marriage is not a fairy tale.  If yours is, that is awesome but mine is 100% hard work...blood, sweat, and tears all the way.  The good thing is that I know why God put me and Ryan together.  I think it's really cool to have an understanding of that.  Our marriage breaks us down, but also builds us back up and we don't have to do it alone.  We have a friend for life to help and we'll both grow in the process.

  If you liked this post, share it with others! If you feel particularly moved by it, leave a comment because I love feedback and discussion. Social media links are provided below and thanks for reading!

Things that Freak Me Out About Marriage

As I was scrolling through Pinterest, I saw several posts from Redbook about "things every man is afraid of when it comes to marriage." Each one of these pins featured a different fear and while sometimes some of these lists and organized thought articles can be redundant, I actually really related to the topic. I'm at the point in my life where I am married and I think I've been out of cloud 9 for a while, if I was even there at all. Ryan and I started off our marriage into the depths of the military and spent most our first year (aka the honeymoon stage) separated by entire continents due to a deployment. This past year was the first in three that we lived together and had to work to together on a relatively daily basis.

To say that my marriage is difficult would be undermining everyone else's marriage. Marriage is difficult...for everyone. I have a few friends who seem to pull it off flawlessly but for us mere mortals, our sins and daily gripes bring us down to a level of normalcy that makes pulling off a relationship like marriage, a daily struggle.

So I thought I would put together a few thoughts on things that freak me out about marriage and my future. If you're married or are in a long-term relationship, you may share these thoughts or maybe I'm pulling something straight outta left field, but I think this is an important conversation because it reminds myself and others that marriage is hard work and is not meant to be easy.

I put too much pressure on my spouse to be my prince-charming.

I worry that I have too high of expectations on my husband. If you know me, I have a high energy-high enthusiasm type of personality. Give me a project and I'll run with it. However, for Ryan, it's a different story. Thinking creatively and romantically for him is a struggle and sometimes I wonder if my idea of romance is just well, too much. Which brings me to my next "fear."

That I will never have the type of marriage that I pictured.

 

Not gonna lie, my marriage is not the type of marriage I pictured back in the day. Not even so much "back in the day" but even recently, in my college years. I didn't picture us owning a mansion with expensive cars. No, I pictured a better flow of communication and small acts of kindness and romance. I didn't picture fights over folding laundry and who is obsessing over something a little too much. My picture of marriage included more spontaneity and less gaining weight. Ryan has managed to stay pretty fit while I struggle to cut back on weight that I gained after becoming a missileer. I also definitely pictured more vacations and romantic trips. Now that may have been less than realistic but our last vacation was a short drive to Pasadena to see the Rose Bowl for a three day trip, last year. Marriage isn't quite as romantic as I pictured it and you cut back on things to save money and to be realistic, but until you're in that lifestyle, I don't think I could have really understood what that was like.

We'll never have kids.

 

I worry about this a lot. Ryan and I both want to have kids but now is not good timing for us. I think it's pretty typical in the missileer careerfield for female missileers to wait until they're captains to have a baby. I'm not even a first lieutenant yet. The timing isn't ideal and Ryan hasn't finished his Bachelor's Degree. While timing is an issue, I worry about physically carrying babies as well. My mom, in her early 30s, developed cysts on her ovaries and had to have surgery to have her uterus removed. That's intense stuff.  Plus with being a lieutenant, my code-55 isn't supposed to end until I'm around 28...maybe 27.  It's getting close to that age and I worry about those health concerns.

I also worry that we'll get to a point where I become so focused on my career and projects that having kids gets put on the back burner forever.  I hope this doesn't happen but it's very possible.

We end in the big D

 

With the high rate of divorce in our country and how divorce affects everyone's lives, it's definitely come up once or twice.  Before Ryan and I got married, we took divorce off of the table. We said, "we're gonna make this work."  Since then there have been a handful of times where I was certain we would get a divorce. It's definitely no laughing matter but it's come up.  Those brutally awful fights where you're looking at the other person and thinking, "how is this ever going to work?"  Well fortunately it has and lots of apologies and tears have been shared.  But I also don't think our society makes it easier on us to stick it through.  When I'm exhausted from work and desperately need a vacation, I do think about how if I was single I'd probably be in the Dominican Republic on a beach somewhere.  It does cross my mind and I'm not going to pretend it doesn't.  It also comes across my mind how I would probably be less stressed in only having to communicate with female roommates and have a way better closet filled with awesome clothes.  It happens.

But what snaps me out of it is how proud I am of our marriage.  Every day we beat the odds, one day at a time.  Some days are really good and some are pretty awful, but we get through it.

What are some things that totally freak you our or worry you about your relationship?

If you liked this post, share it with others! If you feel particularly moved by it, leave a comment because I love feedback and discussion. Social media links are provided below and thanks for reading!

2014's Anniversary Challenge

  It's MAYYYYYYY

 

The awesome thing about May for our family involves my mother-in-law's birthday and Ryan and my wedding anniversary!  Last year's anniversary didn't go so well...

Deal Breakers When I Was Single

Picture Source on Pinterest

Heather Lindsey's vlog post reminded me of many of my own "deal breakers" that I established when I was single.  I always felt like my deal breakers were adjusting, which is literally breaking the deal despite having those blocks.  

I loved God so much throughout my college experience but I struggled with the idea of finding a church home and experiencing and exploring my religion.  I grew up Catholic but I don't necessarily like Catholic mass so I explored a couple other sects of Christianity and I think all of them have things that I may or may not like but many of them share great commonalities.  I so wished that I had a stronger faith during the time of college because I think it would have helped me establish how I approached relationships.  

I loved how Heather described her experience because we had a pretty similar perspective on how our college experiences went.  God has a plan for our lives but I was constantly pushing it, rushing it, and trying to create my own experience instead of working on my faith, making myself happy, and being a better person.  Instead I felt like I was using "tricks" of sorts and those usually revolved around my looks, tight clothes, dancing, flirting and alcohol.  None of which are the pillars for a strong foundation when it comes to a relationship.  Due to that I found relationships that fulfilled a temporary need. 

Despite having wavering "deal breakers," they usually won out in the end and here they are:

1. He must have a purpose with his life. He needs to have goals, ambitions, and dreams.

The amazing thing about college is that you are surrounded by people who are working so hard towards their dreams.  It's literally such a privilege to watch because you have people from various backgrounds literally living the American dream.  When it's 2 am and you're finishing a paper, it may not feel like it but you're living through an education and becoming a more intelligent human being.  I loved college solely for the idea of having opportunities every where you turned.  Due to this, I think this first deal breaker was pretty easy to have in place because every guy that I knew, whether romantically or as friends had dreams and ambitions.  We all did and it's pretty cool to see them lived out.

Picture Source from Pinterest

2. Be a man of not just his word, but also of his actions.

If a man says he's going to do something, then he needs to follow through with his commitments.  I think this is really difficult for young men these days.  It's so much easier to just be flakey and then blame it on your friend, your girlfriend, or some girl being too clingy or too needy or simply asking too much.  I think there is a true art in being someone of your word and following through with your actions.  I actually got to see this in action where I was wavering in my decision to see a relationship through for a longer period of time or just drop it.  It was through his decisions that he accidentally left me to walk 45 minutes home by myself around 1 or 2 am.  I ran into a group of guys, which was terrifying at the time, but turned out to be Navy ROTC boys who walked me home instead.  The guys didn't know me but they were gentlemen who walked me home and bought me a Shamrock Shake.  If people that I just met were able to follow through on that, yet someone who I was "seeing" couldn't do that- there's a problem.

3. He is a kind man with a kind heart.

One of the things that I love most about Ryan is that he has the potential to love so many things in his life and he truly has such a good heart.  I know that he is going to be a great dad one day because of how he treats others and the fact that he already has certain ambitions to be a great dad. 

Picture Sourced from Pinterest

4. A man who makes me feel safe.

With the second deal breaker, I obviously did not feel safe in that situation and that also applies to this one.  If I don't feel safe with you or you purposely put me in a dangerous situation, we absolutely would not have worked.  Ryan not only physically makes me safe with his military experience and gun knowledge, but through his household planning.  Ryan is incredibly financially responsible and he plans ahead and creates a budget so that we can not only live very comfortably, but also have fun.

5. Someone who I'm attracted to.

Lindsey brought this up as well and although some people make think it's shallow, it was important to me.  I wanted to be physically attracted to whomever I was dating.  He had to have that spark.  Not just looks, but he also had to make me laugh and have someone who was just fun to be around.  If someone was devilishly handsome and charming, but didn't make me feel safe or didn't cause me to think, it never worked out.  However, on the same end if someone was brilliant but didn't fulfill any of those other areas, I had a really hard time finding myself attracted to him.

Those were probably my most basic deal breakers, however, did you have deal breakers later on that you wish you had when you were younger?  Well that's tomorrow's post... :)

 

If you liked this post, share it with others! If you feel particularly moved by it, leave a comment because I love feedback and discussion. Social media links are provided below and thanks for reading!

Grinchy moments

I don't want to blame this post on my husband, but if it happens, understand that is not my intent.  My intent is to share how complicated it is for our new little family to establish holiday traditions.  I love Christmas, like SOOOOOOOOOO much.  Yeah, that level of obnoxiousness almost covers how much I love it.  

Although Ryan and I grew up in the same hometown, we lived very different lives.  Sometimes it amazes me how little things add up to bigger complications.  For example, St. Nicholas' Day.  Some celebrate it, including my family back home, and some don't like how Ryan grew up.  If you don't celebrate it, it honors the Saint Nicholas who protected children and orphans and is the origins of the Santa Claus we know today.  It is tradition to leave shoes (or stockings) out so that he may fill them in the night.  Usually the kids in my family received ornaments and maybe other small items but it can be candy, games, etc.  It's kind of like a warm-up to Christmas.

For this St. Nicholas Day, I got Ryan two ornaments.  One was from Michael's, a beautiful white and red vintage airplane.  The other was from Etsy (yay small business) and was the state of Wisconsin shaped from a beer can (we keep it classy).  I was on alert for the night before St. Nicholas Day but gave Ryan the ornaments later on.  What was disappointing was despite my constant reminders, he forgot!

Now that wasn't something that I really got upset over.  The conversation was more like, "I'm glad St. Nicholas came for me but he didn't come for you..."
hahaha



The problem is that little situations like that add up.  My family grew up loving to look at holiday lights and holiday displays.  We volunteer to ring bells for the Salvation Army, visit assisted living homes, bake cookies, watch Christmas movies, have poinsettias around the house, and everything is really special.  Ryan is sometimes completely oblivious to all of this.  There will be Christmas specials on, aka movies you don't normally watch throughout the year, and he'll want to watch a movie he's seen four times.  *face palm* It's also not like his family didn't have their own traditions. He loved to bake cookies as a little boy and his dad won awards from our city for having the most decorated and creative yard for the holidays. 

Is your spouse or significant other like this?  What did you do about it or how did you overcome this?

Having Babies

A ton of my friends are either pregnant or recently gave birth.  These are people who I respect, value, and love and some of these ladies are blogger friends that I've never met but that I think are awesome. I pray for their babies and the expansion of their families all of the time.

It caused me to think about the life plan I had created in second grade.  At that age, anytime in your 20s seems so far off.  I do remember wanting to be a teacher and have two standard-sized poodles.  I would have either been dating or married and between 24-26 we would have our first baby.  Well I'm turning 24 in a couple of months and although I definitely don't believe in the life plan I created when I was eight years old, my 23-year old self can't help but focus on my life ambitions.

When Ryan and I first got married, there were a few times that I was positive that I was pregnant.  We definitely weren't ready, and of course, you know that little thought in the back of your head grows with worry by the minute.  I remember two very specific incidents where I started to freak out.  The first was when we moved into our first house and I was on a new birth control (wasn't taking any chances) and the oral medication made me feel nauseous.  So I wasn't preggers and took myself off that birth control.  The other incident was on a trip back to Wisconsin, where I wasn't feeling good but I wasn't on Mirena yet.  I remember walking to Walgreens in the disgusting humidity of a Wisconsin summer and just sweating balls.  I was nervous and anxious because again, we weren't ready and I had just graduated from college.  Again the tests were negative.

I'll be 24 this year and Ryan and I have been married 2.5 years.  Now I'm starting to feel ready, but I often feel that everyone around me isn't ready for us to have a baby.  It feels weird to phrase that, other people aren't ready.  But ultimately many of our life decisions are influenced by expectations and trends on society.  My good friend, Lindsey is having a baby and got married around the same time that Ryan and I did.  She shared a link with her Facebook followers about the timing of families and how people always have an opinion on when to have a baby.  The article, Having Babies (in Opposite World), discusses today's expectations to wait and how people can feel guilty if they don't hit certain life benchmarks, if you will.  The author of the article, Courtney, describes how friends of hers have been made to feel guilty about their pregnancy for whatever reasons.  Courtney was told her entire life to be a responsible adult and wait to have children.  It's pretty solid and standard advice.  So she and her husband waited and had her first at 27 and second at 29.  However in her 30s she came into certain health concerns that inhibited her ability to have more children.  Everyone's biological clock is different, but hers cut off at 29, when she was under this presumption that she would be able to have babies for a good solid 10 years or so, even if they waited.  She wishes that they had started sooner.

This article got me to thinking, because Courtney brought up a lot of great points that haven't necessarily come up in my life in terms of parenting.  We have moved from a society where women got married very young, had babies young and that was it to what we have today where young women are encouraged to commit to a career and get married/have babies much later.  The problem is that whatever the common ideology is becomes this social law.  I covered the marital aspect of it in my post, I Got Married at 21 When Everyone Else Was Getting Chocolate Wasted, where everyone had an opinion of my choices in getting married.  People didn't take into consideration my feelings, the impact of how they chose to talk to me about my choices, and ultimately they forgot about the two people who were getting married in the equation.  As soon as I accepted a proposal at 21, everyone saw my life going down the tubes but that didn't happen.  People forgot to take into consideration that I had certain factors in my life that caused me to grow up a lot sooner than many of their own college-aged children.

Now when all of that is said and done, I don't think every young couple should just have babies for the sake of having babies.  Each couple needs to have that discussion on their own timeline, not with the influence of other people.  I just think that in terms of our society, we need to cut each other some slack.  People have opinions when someone has a baby at a young age, at an older age, doesn't breastfeed, has five kids, gets married young, etc.  I don't know if it's just this kick I've been on, but when you feel like judging, think of an encouragement for that person instead.  I can tell you that having walked in some of those shoes, they've already felt stress from people who are completely unrelated to their life. Empower, don't bring down.

If you liked this post, share it with others! If you feel particularly moved by it, leave a comment because I love feedback and discussion. Social media links are provided below and thanks for reading!

If Ryan and I were LEGO figures...

While I was on alert, I thought it would be a lot of fun to kind of do another post on where we're at with our marriage.  Ryan and I have been married for over two years (2.5) and are going through some pretty major phases in our life together.  I have graduated college, been commissioned as an officer, completed my tech training, and we now live in Montana.  Ryan has finished four years with the Marine Corps, has completed a civilian job working as a gun retailer, and now he is starting college.  So I e-mailed him some questions and we actually kind of made a game with it with our friends the other night.  We know a lot of young, married couples due to our military background and it was fun to see what their responses were. 

1. Where are you in your life?
We're now living in Montana in a really great house.  We have two German Shepherds, Holly and Blu.  Blu is having incontinence issues, which can be very frustrating at times.  Ryan has just started his college career and it's fun seeing his accomplishments through academic fields.  I'm adjusting pretty well to my job, and I'm adjusting to living in Montana.  Right now I'm also accomplishing my Master's Degree.

2. What is the thing that surprised you most about marriage?
There are several aspects that are really not very exciting.  I think while you're growing up, influencing factors come into play due to how impressionable media, magazines, Disney, and social media outlets like Pinterest can be on a young person.  I definitely thought marriage was a lot more exciting that it really is (or at least in my marriage). It's really just the day-to-day stuff and balancing responsibilities such as being an Air Force officer and paying bills.  You have to make things romantic and take the time to pay attention to your partner's needs.  You think this would be obvious but it's easy to get wrapped up in your job, school, etc.

3. What are the best parts of your marriage right now?
We're definitely learning how to communicate more effectively with one another and what buttons not to push.  I can recognize the areas that I need to improve upon and hopefully this will help make our marriage more cohesive.  Being in a better rhythm with our day-to-day has made it easier to being better partners.

4. What are the areas of improvement?
My area of improvement is a definite need to respond better to what Ryan needs.  My husband is very devoted to organization and keeping a clean house.  If he's got his mind set on something, it kind of needs to be done right away or it stresses him out.  If you know me, this is so completely not like me whatsoever.  Whenever he asks me to do something, I try to get to it right away to kind of help him with his love language.  His area of improvement would be patience and being more romantic.  It's very obvious that I married a Marine.  He's very disciplined but sometimes he forgets that I'm not a PFC and I'm actually his wife.  His personality has definitely helped me curb my expectations on how being realistic with romance expectations.  It's important to keep in mind that if I don't express what I'm looking for, then he can't possibly know.

5. How has your partner changed?

I have changed basically due to our lifestyle.  I'm not crafting as much as I used to and I get stressed a lot more easily in regards to my job.  I realized certain aspects of my personality weren't changing for the good and I kind of addressed that in this post, Practically Imperfect in Every Way or My Flaws Through the Use of GIFs. It's really important to me that I stay optimistic and see the beauty in our everyday lives here.  Montana is a beautiful place, maybe not Great Falls, but the state is really pretty. There are certain opportunities that I need to take advantage of because I won't experience it anywhere else.  I'm also trying to make sure that I don't let myself go and actually put together outfits instead of living in workout shorts (I love being comfy).  Ryan has changed in terms of how he reacts in a relationship.  I think having that long distance relationship aspect played a major part in our relationship dynamic.  When I went to see him, he definitely made an effort at being more engaged in activities and being more romantic.  We lived in the moment because it was always uncertain the next time we would see each other. 

6. What do you love about your partner?

I love that Ryan is very honest and loyal.  I feel safe with him and even though he's 22-years old, he always amazes me with his maturity and how much responsibility he has held in his life.  Ryan always takes care of me, no matter what and he definitely pays attention to my body language, regardless if I say anything. 

7. What is the most stressful aspect of marriage right now?

We both said the same thing- money.  Paying off school loans, car loans, vet bills for Blu, and any other bill that comes across our way definitely takes a toll on our budget.  We do have a strict budget, so it just isn't possible for us to go out on a lot of date nights.  Ryan's strictly a student right now and  I'm working on my Master's Degree and my job, so it's really just my source of income.  This limits us to one date night per paycheck and sometimes that gets sucked into one of Blu's vet bills.  Our dog, Blu, has incontinence and a heart murmur.  The incontinence is probably the worst because money goes to not only the vet, but also into cleaning supplies and we also just bought a carpet shampoo vacuum.  It's not ideal but it's what we're working with.  

8. What are some of your goals?

I really can't wait to pay off loans! We have one of our cars paid off and we're thinking of trading the other one in to get an SUV.  School loans take a lot out of every paycheck I have and I can't wait for a promotion.  We're also trying to plan ahead so we can have kids, but that probably won't happen for another 3-4 years.

9. How do you see yourself improving as a partner?

Responding to Ryan is really my main priority. I don't have an innate way of just thinking, "hey I should vacuum." It's really not something that comes to me naturally.  This really frustrates Ryan, so I'm working on thinking ahead and recognizing that by accomplishing x, y, and z, this will help alleviate Ryan's stress and the things that burden his part of our life.  Ryan is working on trying not to get as irritated (addressed above that he needs to be more patient).

That's basically it :) There were a couple more questions but they dive more into some of the questions already asked.  If you're in a relationship, how would you have responded to these questions?

If you liked this post, share it with others! If you feel particularly moved by it, leave a comment because I love feedback and discussion. Social media links are provided below and thanks for reading!

I Got Married at 21 When Everyone Else Was Getting Chocolate Wasted

Our first New Years where he wasn't deployed and he falls asleep...so this is what happened #marriedlife

While perusing through the blog posts of Avoiding Atrophy, I came across a post called Progressively Married at Twenty-Two.  Shock and surprise, I got married at 21 and I immediately clicked on that link to read more.  I totally understood what she covered in every aspect of her post.  One part particularly resonated with me,

Throughout our first year of marriage, it has become more and more clear that there exists a kind of quasi-prejudice against women who marry out of college. It’s not so strong that it keeps us from getting work (unless you want to be a nanny for that one lady’s kids, I guess) or that it infringes on any basic human rights, but it is enough to make me, and others like me, feel sort of dismissed.

I totally understood where she was coming from.  I'm finally at an age where the rest of my friends are starting to become engaged and some of them even have kids.  However, I soon found myself unable to attend events or was just at a different point in my life because I was married.  Basically I wasn't heading to Kollege Klub to get wasted and pick up a football player.
Being in the military kind of created more of a safe space for those who are young and married.  It was a quality of military life that I really appreciated but when you return to "civilian" life, it does become very apparent how young you are and how other people your age are getting wasted chocolate wasted.

Christy from Avoiding Atrophy also introduced in that same post, a different author named Lauren Ambler, who wrote a post called I Married Young and I'm Ashamed of It.  It was one of those articles that resonates with you because it is that offensive.  To sum it up here's a tidbit from her post:

In fact, our marriage is largely a secret. I’m desperately afraid I’ll be lumped in with other child brides: chastity ball pledges, Mrs. degree recipients, aspiring housewives, shotgun wives and wedding attention seekers. I’m keenly self-righteous in my girl power. I have a college degree and no particular passion for gift registry small appliances (I’ll struggle on without a stand mixer and a wok, thank you very much).

I could understand Lauren's concerns with marriage at a young age, however, her post quickly hit a downward spiral and every aspect of her article caused me to wonder about her husband.  If I was her life partner, I would have been so humiliated to read that article, especially since it is dripping with her dislike of the sanctity of marriage.  Essentially they're openly dating but got married because of his visa.  So instead of saying we're openly dating because of these circumstances, she belittles people's choices to get married.  I was born outside of the United States and I definitely have some understanding of how marriage can be a large influencing factor when your partner isn't a U.S. citizen.  I didn't want to judge her because so many young couples have those moments where they feel really concerned about getting married young but I also identify as a feminist and she does everything in which a feminist would not do in this situation.

Marriage to me is a hangdog word of household drudgery and sexual captivity or the first chapter of divorce. It is also supposedly sacred to conservatives and all things the right wing holds holy -- school prayer, sexual ignorance, tyranny over ovaries -- I don’t want anything to do with it. That notion of marriage is far too serious, weighing down relationships with a religious and legal burden of “specialness.” 

I feel like this was such a slap in her partner's face.  Maybe her husband wasn't offended by this but in my opinion, I honestly felt like she was feeding into the concerns of other people, instead of focusing on her own marriage.  She belittled every other young marriage, besides her own, and proclaimed to her friends that they can still do drugs around them.  She got married for convenience, and people do that (totally understand), but we are still going through issues of equality in marriage and for her to belittle the existence of an opportunity to get married was definitely NOT okay by me.  The comments to that article definitely ripped her a new one, but my favorite said:

22 is not a child bride. I was married at 20. Still not a child bride. If you love this guy what is there to be ashamed of? For me, I really believe that feminism is freedom OF choice. To be married, or not. To work or not. The list goes on.
Yes, I struggled with the idea of marriage on the basis that people that I loved and cared about that happen to love someone of their own gender couldn't get married. But ultimately, it was about my husband and I. And what we wanted. And that is ok. And my marriage doesn't stop me from supporting those people - at all. It is a matter of perspective.
Don't get me wrong, marriage is hard work, particularly when you have been with someone from age 18 and all the change that involves. But the good days? When you are together and facing the world? Amazing.
And ultimately? A marriage is what YOU make of it. Everyone has different definition, based on THEIR experiences. But you can, and will, work out the worth/value of your marriage on the basis of your experiences - and that is fantastic. The way it should be.

 I could not have said it better.  When Ryan proposed to me, everyone had an opinion.  Whether it was a friend of my mom's, the boyfriend of a best-friend, or my sorority sisters, everyone had something to say.  Usually it was along the lines of me being pregnant, which I wasn't and it was also hilarious, since I worked for a sexual health organization and knew everything you could know about birth control.  That experience really put into perspective how I thought about people that I once respected.  People thought I was pregnant and getting married because of that, which couples do that but for me, I know I would not have done that.  The mom of one of my best-friends actually corrected people who were saying things like that.  It was awesome to have people supporting us but people also have a knack of inserting their opinion even if they don't realize it.  I got a lot of, "I could never get married at this age" and if people were willing to say that in passing conversation, I can only imagine what they were willing to say behind my back.  Even though I was and still am young, I made the conscious decision to get married.  I know that can bring up a lot of red flags for people, especially since the divorce rate in the country and in the military is so high.  At the time, I was balancing being completely independent, in ROTC (aka military training), working three jobs, and earning my college degree.  I may have been bold and a little presumptuous, but it's safe to say that I could handle myself better than many young college kids.  Not everyone understood or had the same type of responsibilities that I had at the time.  Now that's not to put myself on a pedestal because that shit was hard, but it did create certain opportunities for me to grow that others may not have gotten at the time.  When Ryan proposed to me, I knew that he was the one that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.  I loved how Christy covered this:

Where I differ most with Ambler, apart from the fact that I totally disagree on her stance that marriage should be open, is when she calls herself a “child bride”. This is the thing that we millenials are constantly criticized for: that we prolong our childhood in a way that makes us helpless even at an age where we should be considered adults. I am not a child. My married friends of the same age are, by no means, children. We are adults who have made a choice, and we are sticking by it.

I know there is a recommended path in life but Ryan and I didn't take that.  Not everyone should follow the path we took but some people are meant to find their person at a young age and some people are meant to be awesome single parents or CEO's of major companies without ever getting married.  All of these routes in life are okay and are filled with blessings.  I still graduated from college, I'm in a Masters program right now, we have a two-story house, we have two dogs, we have two cars, and we have a really great life.  Is my marriage challenging at times? Absolutely but it's caused me to respect and value all sorts of relationships and it has helped me mature as a person.  There are definitely times when an engagement is announced and I think, hmm that might not be a good idea.  But then I think about how people treated me and Ryan and instead of judging that couple, I usually pray for them because they love each other and all they need right now is good energy heading their way.  Marriage isn't for everyone, especially getting married young, however Ryan and I are in our third year of marriage and it has been awesome =] 

If you liked this post, share it with others! If you feel particularly moved by it, leave a comment because I love feedback and discussion. Social media links are provided below and thanks for reading!

Creating a Pinterest Extraordinaire Partner

Through a sweaty battle with the stair climber, I read Glennon's words on how she chose to communicate for effectively with her spouse Craig and it got me to thinking- am I communicating effectively with my partner? 

In Glennon's case, it was her birthday and as she lay in bed with anticipation for the day's excitement, it quickly dawned on her that the heaps of balloons and birthday cake were not happening.  She soon became upset and called her husband to scratch that day as her birthday and start all over again the next...kind of like a re-do.  When I first read that, I thought, "wow that sounds bratty." I mean, the world still turns regardless if it's your birthday or not.  However, Glennon took the time to explain to her husband how she grew up celebrating special occasions like birthdays.  Like me, Glennon takes birthdays and holidays seriously.  It's a time for celebration, but unlike Glennon, if the balloons and cake were forgotton, I would have normally let it slide. 

My spouse, Ryan, is not a romantic guy.  That very sentence is uttered so much in my life, it's kind of become a marriage slogan.  But it's true.  He's not a romantic guy and he also didn't grow up celebrating the way that I did.  I LOVE to throw themed parties.  I'm a details kind of gal, so any opportunity in which I can gather friends and stick them in themed sweaters is a good time to me.  However, Ryan never really grew up like that.  This would come to play in several scenarios in our young marriage.  You may have even read about our 2nd wedding anniversary fiasco.  I was so irate with him for eating our anniversary dinner without me that I walked up the stairs and cried for a little bit.  For some it may sound silly, but waves of disappointment came over me.  So when I read that chapter in Glennon's book, I realized that she may be onto something.

My spouse is not a mind reader.  I can't possibly put that expectation on him because it's too big of a burden.  He is however a kind and thoughtful man who loves me.  Ryan is always the first to admit that he appreciates some direction in surprising me or putting together an event.  So in Glennon's chapter when she lays out her expectations, as silly as it may have sounded to the reader, made a lot of sense to her husband and also to me.  The fact of the matter is that you can't expect flowers, candles, cake, and balloons if you don't express that.  My husband isn't going to magically turn into Pinterest husband extraordinaire overnight or on his own.  It forced me to reflect on all of the times that I've created high expectations for him without any guidance or direction.  Like when I was disappointed with Christmas because we weren't with family that year.  If I can't communicate that with him and figure out ways to combat sadness or disappointment, imagine how he feels.  He's also disappointed because he doesn't want me to be upset and then he feels like he has failed me.  All saddening emotions that could have been avoided through better communication.

Have you ever gone through this with your partner?  What things did you find most effective in helping build your communication?

When I Married into the Military (The First Year)

A series of "welcome home" signs outside of the housing area we first lived at while stationed at Camp Pendleton

When I think of Memorial Day, I think of my family and the families I've met through being a Navy brat, marrying a Marine, and being an Air Force officer.  I have had so many experiences with the military.  I have known what it's like to not have your father there for your birthday and not understand because you're three years old.  I know what it's like to miss all of the major holidays during your first year of marriage because your husband is deployed.  I also know what it's like to have to pick and choose which special occasions you attend because you have alert and the mission is more critical than flying home to see a friend's wedding.  Everyday we are given choices.  Sometimes they're made for us and sometimes we have to choose the less of two evils.  We are taught quickly to appreciate the concept of time and to not worry about what we can't change.

When I married Ryan, I had spent years away from the military.  I had just started the AFROTC program at the University of Wisconsin and apart from that, I hadn't known military life in quite some time.  My dad ended his career with the Navy when I was a little kid and we moved to Wisconsin where he hoped to find better employment.  Moving to Camp Pendleton in Oceanside, California was this exciting adventure to me.  I had been watching episodes of Army Wives and I'm a huge fan, if you didn't know.  I sort of expected Claudia Joy to stroll in with some military flavor pie to help relinquish any of the stress that came with being a Marine wife.  Of course Claudia Joy is an Army wife and the obvious, not real.  When we first moved to California we stayed with friends in their apartment and I could not have been more awkward.  It was weird living with people that I barely knew and I just really wanted to have a house of our own.  When we moved into a housing area of C.P. called Serra Mesa, I was ecstatic.  Of course, there were stories.  Stories that involved new Marines with very young wives who were far too loud and rambunctious for their own good.  There was even a story of of a guy who killed his wife and tried to bury her in the wall.  I hadn't been with Ryan when he chose our house, but he was given three options and he chose a house snuggled into the middle of the housing division.  It was a smart choice.  We were surrounded by older service members and their families.  They were never too loud or rowdy.  Our house had been renovated and I was convinced it was because a woman had been buried in the previous walls.  No pets were allowed, but people still snuck in dogs.  I don't blame them.  I spent a ridiculous amount of time by myself and I would have appreciated the company of a friendly puppy.  Of course, when I moved back to Wisconsin at the end of that summer, dogs were allowed in our housing division.

Military housing is set up like a duplex.  Two houses often share the same walls.  Sometimes they back into other houses as well.  That's how our first house was; we shared multiple walls.  We had very little money.  One thing you should know about military folks, especially enlisted members is that they don't get paid nearly enough for what they do.  I submitted application after application trying to find some element of work in that area.  We only had one car, which we still have today.  I have a few pictures of our house at the time, which was small but still nice.  We didn't have a lot; just livin' off of love ;)

 

Right when you walked into the house, you were in the living room with a staircase directly in front of you.  Past the living room was a decent sized kitchen and a half bathroom to the left.  Up the stairs was a loft style bedroom that also had a full-sized bath.  There wasn't a door upstairs, only doors on the closets and bathrooms.  We also had a very small concrete patio that was more like a storage area for military equipment.   

Most of Ryan's income went to groceries and bills, we didn't really have anything extra to spare.  We saved and some of the extra money went into an end of the summer trip to Disneyland which I had been looking forward to for that entire summer.  Our decorations were things we received from our wedding and things that were supposed to be a part of our wedding.  We received a ton of gift cards and most of those were used to buy kitchen supplies and things like hand towels.  We started off with nothing, except for a Ninja Blender, a fancy platter, and a few other things.

   

Despite being newlywed-military poor, I took great pride in decorating our house.  I was so proud of the bathroom upstairs and coordinating the towels with a military theme.  Our kitchen was red & white (Badger colors) and even our pots and pans stayed with the motif.  I was thrilled to make friends and one of the first couples that I just fell in love with were our friends Jeff and Meagan.  They were dating at the time but are now happily married (they got married earlier this year).  We've been through a lot together and they're fantastic people.  The picture above is when we had them over for dinner and we went to the county fair the next day. 



Like I said, when I first got to Camp Pendleton, I thought making friends would be a breeze.  I'm a Theta and went through so many recruitment processes that I could small chat with anybody (but seriously, I loathe making small chat).  However, I was rightfully put in my place as I learned that my housing area really wasn't set up in a way to make friends.  People kept to themselves and the hospitality that my Wisconsin neighborhoods were known for, were seriously lacking on this military base.  Of course because I knew no one, the Marine Corps needed Ryan to train all of the time.  He would be gone during the week and even weekends and I was by myself.  I soon became incredibly lonely and filled my hours with cleaning our small house (well that took an hour) to working out and going to the library.  The large base gym was down a hill from where we lived so I would walk there (since we only had one car) and the library was just past it up a very large hill.  I would often go work out and then head towards the library to check out books and movies.  We also had a neighborhood pool that I would frequent to either swim or tan.  I desperately wanted to make at least one friend and so I looked to the online Facebook groups.  There are a ton of military support sites and information pages.  I joined several and learned that many of them had more drama than support and found it more discouraging than helpful.  One of the wives needed a ride to see the chaplain and I offered to give her one.  Of course she was at a friend's house on the other side of base (C.P. is huge- like the size of San Diego) and when I got there, her friend was there with a baby in tow.  Apparently all three needed a ride to the chaplain.  I was already there and didn't really know what to say so I gave them a ride.  The same woman would text me constantly asking for rides and so after that first one, I learned to ignore the number.  That being said, that's not like me.  However, I quickly learned from people that I met that not all military wives are the Claudia Joys that we'd like them to be.  One of my good friends from back home was already a military wife for several years and taught me a lot about the base and military life.  We all come from varying backgrounds and education levels.  Some of the wives were straight out of high school and had never been out of their hometowns.  Others met their spouse the day before at a club and got married (I'm not even kidding).  We're all just really different.

However it was in one of those groups that I met one of my best friends, Ashley.  She was moving into a house across the way from mine and I was so excited to meet her.  A group of wives already living in Serra Mesa were introducing her around but to be blunt, I didn't like the group.  It turns out that Ashley didn't either.  The ladies were rude, catty, and just plain mean.  Ashley and I became fast friends and I love her style and personality.  We went to base classes together, painted pottery at the Hobby Shop, and saw movies.  We even met Tom Hardy together.

Our husbands deployed around the same time, so when I went back to Wisconsin, she went back to Texas.  Of course, we met back up again at C.P. the next summer.  No longer were we living in the same housing division (which sucked) but we had girl dates all of the time.  But back then, we were in the same boat- living in Serra Mesa and no monies.  We did everything free on base and had a ton of days spent at the beach.  We even spent the 4th of July together watching the fireworks with other friends.

We had so many memories back then that I just love and cherish.  A lot of that time I spent frustrated because I spent most of that summer by myself but the thing about military spouses and significant others is that you learn to be resilient.  You have to because if you don't learn how to be independent and flexible with whatever the life throws at you, it'll swallow you up.  At the end of the summer we took a trip to Disneyland with our friends, Meagan and Jeff.

Ryan had never been to Disneyland and it was a really fun trip.  I got my Duffy the Disney Bear and in that picture you can see me wearing a name tape bracelet.  That summer I became completely military-obsessed.  I wore the shirts, got the bracelets, supported small businesses that sold military stuff, etc.  I was all about it.  Nametape bracelets are a really popular accessory and I actually made some for awhile for friends and family.

It was such a cute trip because we got to sport our "Just Married" buttons and Ryan went on all of the rides.  I went a little picture happy with him and took hundreds of photos of everything but I know that he loved it.

There are a ton of memories to be made in this crazy military life.  You meet people from all over and they contribute to your experience and those memories that you cherish.  Living in Montana now, I still keep in contact with all of our old friends and they living in California, Texas, Wisconsin, Colorado, etc.  It's a challenging life and presents many obstacles.  But when someone comes up to me and thanks me for my service, which happened three days ago, it completely takes my breath away.  I am honored and those little things mean everything to us. 

Have a great, happy, and safe Memorial Day.

250 Words

Story of My Life's first challenge: "the story of your life in 250 words or less" (a very brief auto-biography).  

This is going into way more than 250...I apologize in advance.

I'm the blonde-looking child and that's my cousin, who I just placed a block on because we enjoyed nudity in our youth...hey it was always scorching hot outside!

I was born in the Philippines and grew up as part of a rather large Navy family.  

My mom came from a large family and so I have several aunts, uncles, and cousins who still live there.  My mom worked in a bar/restaurant owned by family friends who were practically family and it was located very close to a U.S. Naval base (my memory wavers but it could have actually been on the base).  My mom met a sailor with a son and ended up becoming a nanny for him.  The sailor and my mom ended up falling in love and eventually had me.  This is a tough part of my history because that man was unfaithful to my mother and he left for the U.S. without her.  Over time my mom met another man, named Jim, and married him.  Although he's technically my step-dad, he's always been dad to me.  We lived in Southern California for several years and moved back to Wisconsin so my father could pursue employment by his family.  I spent most of my life in Wisconsin and am a proud Sconnie.  My brother Jimmy was born when I was 8 and we ended up moving several times, all within the same city.  I have so many fond memories of different families back there and of different school programs.  My favorites come from a charter school that I attended from 6th to 8th grade.  One of my best-friends that I met during Middle School is getting married this summer and I can't wait to see her!  During high school I was one of the captains for my swim team and spent a total of 10 years competitively swimming.  Looking back, I wished I had taken it more seriously because I had a lot of talent and wasted it by loathing practices.  Also in high school, I was part of your yearbook program which competed nationally.  That's where my love for design and journalism blossomed.  It was further cultivated in DECA and our Advanced Marketing program.  

I was nervous about getting into a good school but after ramping up my resume, I had nothing to worry about. I got into 11 different universities and was going to attend the University of Central Florida but after representing Wisconsin at DECA Internationals, I changed my mind.  I called my dad up and told him I wanted to go to Wisconsin and he was so excited, especially since he's a Wisconsin alum.  He drove up to Madison the next day and changed over all of my paperwork.  That's just one of many reasons that I absolutely adore my dad.  I attended UW-Madison and it's one of the greatest experiences of my life.  I can only look back on fond memories or ones that taught me so much.  I'm a Theta and I did the recruitment process, all while balancing the last part of try-outs for the Wisconsin Band.  Love the band, but boy howdy was that rigorous.  I didn't make the band, percussion killed my legs, but I did get a bid from Theta and it was a wonderful experience.  I did several jobs while I was there, including being a tour guide, event coordinator for Sex Out Loud, and a House Fellow for Sellery.  These were the best jobs ever and I miss them so much.  Being a tour guide helped shape my public presentation skills and I met so many awesome people.  Sex Out Loud is an organization at UW that does peer-to-peer sexual health education and advocacy.  That job taught me so much about the necessity for sexual health education and how drastically different the education process is for different school systems.  We got the results of that with incoming college freshmen.  A lot of my beliefs come from those experiences.  I was a House Fellow or RA for one of the rambunctious dorms at Wisconsin.  It taught me a lot about being a role model, multi-tasking, patience, time management, and how I would like to raise my future kids.  I also joined the Air Force ROTC program after my freshman year and then a few years later became an officer.

I also got married while I was in college to my best-friend, Ryan.  I have discussed so many aspects of the joys and issues that came with this in previous posts and I'm sure I'll keep on talking about it in the future.  I moved to Southern California twice (each summer), where Ryan was stationed for the Marine Corps.  I then moved to Central Coast California, where I was stationed for training and now to Montana where we live with our two German Shepherds.  There's so much I can go into about certain elements of my life, but I'm just excited to have the opportunity to be a part of this challenge.

     

A Reflection on Francine Rivers' Redeeming Love

Last summer, after I discovered Ruthie Hart's blog, I saw a few of her book recommendations and she so strongly encouraged people to read Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers.  I respect Ruthie's opinion and during the days when Ryan and I only had one care, waited for him and trekked to Barnes and Noble.  That was also the day that I ran into a very elderly man who would not leave me alone, but that's another story.  Over the next few months, Redeeming Love collected dust on one of my numerous book shelves as it waited for me to pour through its pages.  I started it after one of my alerts and couldn't put it down.  I became enamored with the characters and I wanted to see Angel succeed and find the love of God.  After starting it, it only seemed fitting that I would share an Instagram photo and I received so many "likes" and comments.  I even got more book recommendations on what to read by Francine Rivers.  After reading Redeeming Love, I know that I will definitely be checking out more of her work. 

If it were a movie, don't you think Hayden would be a perfect Angel?  She's beautiful but sassy and I think it would be awesome to see her in this role.  Plus Henry Cavill is so handsome, a perfect Hosea!

As much as I like book reviews, I think I'm going to stay away from that and try to apply this one specifically to my life and why I like them versus why everyone should read it.  Hopefully this works, so bear with me.

Angel is a prostitute during the gold rush in California.  Originally from the East Coast, she was sold into prositution and her earlier life wasn't any kinder to her.  Growing up, she grew cold and bitter at life and stopped trusting people, especially men.  Michael Hosea is a farmer who conveniently is in the gold rush town to sell goods when he sees Angel for the first time.  He immediately feels a call from God that this woman should be his wife.  The story goes on to tell their trials and tribulations in the theme of Gomer and Hosea, a story from the Bible. 

Y'all, I loved this book! 

Most of the book focuses on Angel's character development.  I think Rivers could have gone further into this and at times I did feel like she went a little too briefly over some of Angel's past.  I think it would have helped the reader to understand why Angel's personality was so hardened.  Rivers' lack of detail kind of forced the reader to side with Michael Hosea but that's not necessarily a bad thing.  I loved the character of Michael Hosea.  I would have loved to read this in high school, especially those times when you feel like you're never going to find a good guy to date.  I should have probably read this in college too, to be honest.  Michael Hosea represents all good men.  Men of their word who have honor and a quiet strength about them.  He had never-ending love and patience for Angel, regardless of how difficult she made life for him.  I also loved the new characters and families that were introduced later in the book.  It was as if you were growing with this couple in their love.

This book made me pause in reflection with my own marriage.  I wrote earlier in this post that I probably should have read this book in college, just because I was at a point where I was really frustrated with my personal relationships.  I was casually dating and I almost felt like I was dating just for the sake of dating.  The guys in college were smart, handsome, and career-driven.  I'm sure if I looked any of them up, they were probably successful in buckling down a job right away.  One of them was part of the NFL Draft and from what I understand, is at the very least, practicing with a professional team.  Despite how these guys looked on paper, I was rarely truly happy.  I've written about this before but there was definitely a point where I was almost certain that no guy that I met in college was going to follow me through the Air Force.  It was a sad thought and one that I just came to terms with at that time.  I decided that I should still date but these relationships quickly turned out to be fleeting and at surface-level I said that I just wanted it be casual, but deep down it hurt that I didn't think that I would be able to have more.  I remember spending nights incredibly frustrated, staring at texts, trying to decipher what each thing meant.  I would try not to put too much thought into each of these small details, but after awhile it was just exhausting. 

Ruth, the mom of one of my best-friends, said that we just need to be happy.  We wanted that quality relationship, but we were letting ourselves focus on things that weren't important.  She said that we needed to make ourselves happy first and then we'd soon find out that people are attracted to happy people.

So I prayed.  I often prayed while walking to the ROTC detachment on campus and I prayed on the long walks back to my sorority house.  I asked God to help me in my pursuit to be happy and I'll just do my best to put faith in the situation.  I didn't let go right away.  I was dating a really nice guy who right now is on his way to becoming a doctor.  I knew that the relationship wasn't going to go anywhere, but looking back part of me thinks that I was just really worried to be alone.  Maybe I was 50 shades of shallow in college, but regardless of what front you put up to the world with your organizations and leadership titles, you could still be lonely.  So somewhere in that flurry of figuring out personal relationships, Ryan, my future husband, walked back into my life.

I like to think of Ryan as a gift from God because I seriously was not expecting him at all.  He was literally in Afghanistan when he started talking to me and I was in Wisconsin.  All I knew was that he had me swooning.  He was 1). incredibly handsome 2). a Marine (ladies, a man in uniform, c'mon), and 3). we could have hours of conversation.  In reading Redeeming Love, whenever God spoke with Michael, I could relate to feelings of excitement and confusion.  I could also relate to Angel with feelings of distrust.  I wanted to fall in love with Ryan but I didn't want to end up looking like the college girl idiot who had fallen for another impossible relationship.  There was a distinct moment in which I was very upfront with him and basically laid it out that if he wanted to have a casual thing while he was on leave that was fine.  I went further and said that there was no need for him to basically tell me all of these sweet things, if that was the case. I think I hurt his feelings.  I was honestly worried that his post-deployment leave meant that he was going to be hooking up with girls from back home until he had to head back to his base.  Fortunately that wasn't the case.  For me that verbal declaration gave me some semblance of power in the relationship knowing that I could say that I didn't care that it was casual, as long as we both understood that.  It was actually really hard for me to say that, especially to Ryan because I cared so much for him.  It basically helped create a boundary to hopefully help prevent any hurt. 

I didn't want it to be casual, I loved him and I knew he was in my life for a reason. 

There was a hiccup in our dating where after we decided that despite long distance we were going to make it work, I could tell he was distancing himself from me.  That was hard to take because I was certain that we were falling apart and that would have only reinforced every negative bias I had for relationships.  I was sitting on my bed and received a phone call from him saying that he thought that we maybe should go back to what we were before we made it official.  I was trying to keep my composure but I was really torn up over that.  I finally had this beautiful relationship and then the other half of the equation wanted it be casual.  I was heartbroken.  I remember sobbing to my sorority sister, Lindsey and she was such a calming light in that really dark time for me.  What you've got to understand is that by that point in time I thought I finally had this relationship that I deserved.  I had this beautiful man who loved me and wasn't out to use me and then BAM there it all went.  I was devastated and my self-worth was probably at an all time low.  I remember Ryan texting me and I could barely text him back.  I didn't want to.  Memories of miserable college-relationships, fueled with frat dance parties and beer came to mind.  

More praying happened and I basically felt like God (and Lindsey) were telling me that if I let it go and if he was the good man that I knew he was, he'd come back to me. 

Within the next couple of days, Ryan apologized and said he made a terrible mistake and that we should be in a relationship together.  He had been hurt in prior relationships before and he didn't want to see ours fall apart due to the distance.  Of course, me being headstrong and loyal, had no idea where he was coming from with that.  He had gone to a party with his Marine friends and realized that all he wanted was to be with me, not surrounded by these people or dancing with any other girl.

A few weeks later he asked me what I thought about marrying him.

I totally thought he was kidding but that's a story that I'm sure I've told many times here.

Reading Redeeming Love reminded me that sometimes you just have to let faith and hope do work.  Not everything can be planned and managed, but you grow in faith and love.  This story also taught me what it means to be a more earnest partner and spouse. 

I recommend this book, whether you're married or not.  I speaks volumes on patience, love, and compassion.  I also loved the characters in the book.

Have you read Redeeming Love or any of Francine Rivers' other works?  What did you think?