Military Spouses vs. Female Service Members

Military Spouse Magazine has been doing a series of articles addressing stereotypes among military spouses and it also brought up the relationships between military spouses and female service members. That specific article was brief and written by a female Army veteran who now works for the magazine. As an Air Force officer, I couldn't relate to what she had said but then again, I had the opportunity to be a spouse first. I never looked down on someone for missing their husband too much while they were deployed because I know how that feels. When Ryan was deployed, romantic comedies and shopping comforted me. There was many a night I would find myself waiting for a bus back to campus with a Target bag in hand because Target seemed to have healing powers during that time. I also know how it feels to be overqualified for jobs and you're still sending in applications to find something temporarily because you're living off of E-4 pay. It's not fun trying to figure out how to budget groceries off of one very limited income. Even though I don't have kids, I know childcare is insanely expensive and it's usually more cost effective to have one partner stay home with the kids.

But at the same time, I definitely have felt the differences of being a service member instead of a spouse. When I was in ROTC, I was warned that some spouses would hate me for two reasons, 1. I was pretty 2. I spent a lot of time with their husbands. I wasn't even in my careerfield yet and I already had women hating me...great! It doesn't matter that while on alert, I usually have a sideways messy topknot, glasses, and a pimple or two speckling my face. It doesn't matter that when I wake up, there are probably tendrils of hair glued to my cheek from drool (yeah, that's a pretty picture). There are just going to be women who dislike me for just being in that position. It didn't matter whether I was attractive, ugly, or the highest ranking person that woman knew- I would be considered a problem. I haven't had to face too many jealous wives or girlfriends yet and thank goodness. Again, I think drool tendrils help, but that's just my opinion. If that day ever comes where I am in a battle with a spouse, I wish I could have a frank conversation in saying that I have zero interest in their signicant other and I am no threat to their happiness.

I am very much in love with my husband, regardless if we fight or if life is being particularly difficult. I am also fiercely loyal to him. I still notice when people are physically attractive, however, I'm the kind of woman who also remarks when another woman is also very beautiful. It's not a defense mechanism to call out every pretty girl on the block, it's just something I notice. The human body is a beautiful thing, and to be treated with respect- so should relationships. I trust my husband and he trusts me. I am not there to seduce your partner, I am there to provide nuclear deterrence.

I am far more concerned about my test scores and becoming a better missileer, than throwing a wrench in your relationship.

However, that's not to say that I haven't felt the effects of being a female service member and not solely being a spouse. The thing about being an officer is that I'm still a spouse, that just didn't stop when I become a butter bar. You may have seen my rant on Instagram about a recent e-mail sent to me by the president of our spouse's club. A little background- we live in a small town. There are a ton of mom and pop style restaurants casinos and a few boutiques. Some of boutiques downtown are incredibly cute, but most of the businesses here are severely lacking in quality or customer service. Despite having two universities, the town isn't bustling and to my understanding it's the second largest city in Montana. There's potential for economic growth, but it's underutilized. With that being said, activities for female service members or really just women in general are few and far between. I'm friends with several military spouses and I suggested they check out the spouses club. Emphasis: I led them to the spouse's club. When Ryan was stationed at Camp Pendleton, there wasn't an enlisted spouses's club (to my knowledge), but there was an officer's one. Not being an officer yet/not being a wife to an officer, I didn't participate but I think I would have loved it! Whenever my friends would come back from a spouse's club social at our current base, they would say, "Kim you would love this! This is totally your thing!" After a couple of months living here, I thought I would send in an e-mail and see if it was possible. The e-mail basically said, "due to few opportunities for women in this area, would it be possible to be a part of this group, despite being an active duty female service member?" I also put in that I respect that it's a space for military spouses, however I'm still a spouse. The response was a subtle "no" and a suggestion that I volunteer for a project they ran. To me that basically read, you can't be a part of the group's social activities, but we need manning to meet our goals. Cute.

I was an active duty spouse. I am now a veteran's spouse. I am an active duty service member who is married. No where in there did I just stop being a spouse. No where in there did I stop needing an opportunity to bond with women in a similar situation than me. Just because I'm a missileer doesn't mean that I don't go to the commissary or BX. I was just there to pick up ingredients for a pumpkin cake and walked through the same checkout and tipped the same bagger that you probably did. It doesn't mean that I don't have the same worries that other military spouses have. We worry about bills and paying off my school loans. We worry about when is the right time to start having a baby (which if you've read my blog, you know I think about frequently). We worry about getting time to see our family back in Wisconsin.

That e-mail could have gone several ways. I respect that it's a spouse's space, however, I don't see the importance of the dividing line when it comes to wine nights, book clubs, and any other social events. To me it seems trivial, especially with so few opportunities for women. That e-mail should have provided resources or other opportunities, and ones that didn't include volunteering for a project that needed manning. That just annoyed me. Not that I don't like volunteering, but there are tons of already existing volunteering opportunities.

To sum all of this up, I'm simply disappointed. It has put me in a position where I recognize that there are few opportunities for female service members and instead of creating a liaison between the two groups, there's just a dividing line. It has also made me realize that maybe I need to create this opportunity. Maybe I need to organize wine nights, a bookclub, a rollerskating night, or any fun activity. This thought got me excited- the possibilities are endless! Then I thought about it further, would I exclude Hannah, Emily, Rhi, or Allie, just because they're spouses? No, that's not like me. I would want every woman affiliated with this base who needed a night of fun, to have that night and to meet other great women.

If you liked this post, share it with others! If you feel particularly moved by it, leave a comment because I love feedback and discussion. Social media links are provided below and thanks for reading!

Guest Blog Post: Challenges of Being a Housewife

Ahoy Mates! I'm reporting from a hotel in Idaho that kind of smells like older folks...but that's ok (probably because I'm exhausted). Holly played in snow for the first time today and it was a bit of a challenge, to say the least. We spent probably a good two hours all together, going in and out of the building, coaxing her to do her business outside. I think she was extremely distracted by the colder weather and she was excited, yet confused about the snow. Whenever the snow shifted under her weight, she would make a mad dash for the closest sidewalk. Two hours later and I think we may have a snow bunny on our hands. Today was the longest segment of our trip and it was sweet relief to finally make it to the hotel. Tomorrow, we'll be at the final stop of our journey and I'm super excited. In other news, I really need to get a good winter coat.

While I'm adjusting to cold weather and trying to get our German Shepherd to pee in the snow, Jessica from Living La Vida Holoka has kindly offered to be the third guest blogger this week. She talks about her transition from the 9-to-5 sector to becoming a homemaker. When Ryan was in the Marine Corps, I spent my summers as a stay-at-home wife and I dreaded it. It was challenging in many ways that I had never expected and it makes me appreciate Jessica's post all the more :)

Hi everyone!  I’m Jessica and I blog at Living La Vida Holoka.  Last year I went from working 9-to-5 to becoming a housewife.  I had been working at my last job for six years before making the switch.  It was an adjustment at first to get accustomed to not having a daily work routine.  I had been working since I could get working papers. I was used to getting up early in the morning to drive into work, spend 8 hours behind a desk crunching numbers and coming home just in time for dinner.  I wasn't used to being able to sleep in later if I chose to and having the entire day open to do as I please. I eventually settled into my new role as a homemaker.  While I'm technically unemployed, being home is my first priority--it is a job to me.

I've realized that TV has created so many stereotypes about the American housewife dating back to black and white sitcoms. It was thought that women should be home to tend to the house and kids because the men were the ones bringing home the bacon. Then we jumped to housewives of the late 80's and 90's. Women who had a voice. Women who were turning the tables and letting their husbands know who's boss around the house. And here we are in the new millennium where the housewives wear designer labels, drive luxury cars and like to start trouble while competing for status.

It's only been 9 months since I've taken on my new role as a homemaker, but this is what I've learned so far:

We’re not all like Peg Bundy.  Life as a housewife is not all about eating bon-bon’s and watching soap operas.  It’s a rare occasion when I sit down to watch an entire show during the day.  I don’t beg my husband for money or find his company irritating.  I know how lucky I am to have an opportunity to stay home.  I love my husband for working hard so I don’t have to.  I would never take advantage of that.  Besides...I don’t nearly own enough animal print and spandex to be like Peg Bundy!

We’re not all like Donna Reed either.  I don’t vacuum the house in pearls and heels or walk around in an apron.  I don’t have dinner on the table right when my husband walks through the door from work.  But I do make sure that I don’t give my husband worries about the house.  My house is always clean.  Our bellies are always full.  The shopping is always done.  I'm a good little Mrs. and my husband appreciates all that I do for him while I'm at home. He's made it easier on me by letting me stay home just as I've made it easier on him so he doesn't have to lift a finger around the house.

I am a REAL housewife.  And not like the ones in Atlanta, New Jersey or anywhere else they've filmed. Honestly, I don’t even know exactly what those housewives do because I've never watched those shows. I can tell you that my life isn’t about drama.  I don’t go on lavish trips or spending sprees, or spend lots of money entertaining.  Don't get me wrong--I do go out to lunch sometimes and plan shopping trips when I can afford it.  I'm not a diva even though I know I've got it good. I am a real housewife with real responsibilities.

I hope you enjoyed my guest post. Please come visit me at Living La Vida Holoka!




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Reinforcing Stereotypes: Nail Salon Skit by Anjelah Johnson

I get disappointed when I see comedians take this approach with their stand-up acts because instead of focusing on a particular situation, her kickstand to the entire skit is imitating a Vietnamese accent.

I can appreciate jokes about certain aspects of Asian culture, for example, within Filipino culture we love karaoke and line dancing.  We bring an enormous amount of food to every event and we have certain personality quirks.  

Anjelah Johnson, who is Mexican-Native American, could have done the nail salon jokes, with the same impact of hilarity without incorporating her take on the interpretation of attempting a second language.  I've seen her other skits and she'll poke fun at Mexican-American or Latino culture, but it was definitely a different style than when she talked about her trips to her local nail salon.  It would have been nice to see the same amount of courtesy given to another ethnic group without amplifying another stereotype.  Her "normal" dialect was used without bringing in some cheap, stereotypical version.

Being Filipino, both my mom and I learned English as a second language.  Growing up in the states, I adapted to English very quickly over Tagalog.  My mom occasionally gets an accent, but her English is otherwise flawless.  She has my brother and I look over letters, e-mails, text messages and Facebook posts to insure that her English is without spelling or grammatical mistakes.  

I even do the same for my own work.

 I've also experienced people "not understanding" what she's saying,

and let me tell you that I was highly critical of our speech impediments growing up.  People become rude, tactless and just vile when they can't "understand" someone.

One of my most recent experiences was a college Christian conference where the guest speaker chose to imitate the language of the Filipino natives that he was "helping" on his mission trip.

I have several opinions on mission trips to help "others" but that's for another blog post.

I had never felt more humiliated or degraded in my life and here was a guy up on stage thinking that he was hilarious because of his imitation of something that he deemed as "other."

Here are some of the YouTube comments that caught my attention:

 Her comedy act doesn't actually become humorous until much later in the skit.  The offensive aspect isn't the jokes, it's that she relies on grammatical mishaps from learning English as a second language.  An entire skit shouldn't play on someone learning English, especially since more often than not, I hear, "Well everyone should just learn English."

 Twisting business sense, such as providing customer service and incorporating products into the actual service, is not a unique technique solely found at Asian nail salons- that's just general business.  I personally don't understand how you can just say, "yes" to something if you actually did not understand what they were saying.  

If you didn't understand something in life, would you just pay for it anyways? 

No, that would be called stupidity.

I also appreciate the comment about coming up with a different language and then offering "Mexican" as the option.  No dear, that would be called Spanish and that's been around for quite awhile.  Ya know conquistadors and all that.

  

 

 Love this comment because this type of retort is often what I hear when I bring up any type of blatant ignorance.  A stereotype is a negative connotation, so saying that there will always be an exception is kind of limiting the scope here.  Anjelah, as a woman of color, could come up with vast amounts of material that has nothing to do with other women of color.  Instead she focuses on them because focusing on anything else = "people would find them difficult to relate to."  

In terms of "people," I'm going to assume that's a reference to anyone who is not Vietnamese or Asian or even a person of color.  

When did anyone with those ethnicities become something other than "people"? 

To be blatantly honest, I shouldn't have to explain or make my experience "easier to relate" to other people and I certainly am not about to belittle it by reinforcing stereotypes.

I can appreciate jokes about being Filipino- but this comedy act was just bad 

and had only a few jokes of actual comedic value.  What's a shame is that people are confusing humor with that which is considered "different."

P.S. I found this on one of my favorite blogs with comments from the blogger 

phonetically expressing her nail artist's accent