Sunday, July 22, 2012

And on the 5th day, God made the squeaky basketball

Friday- 8 pm

My parents have invited a stranger into our home, a large, furry stranger.  They call him, Max.  Initially, I thought it was a casual visit.  Their human companions came over with this so-called Max, everything seemed normal, until the humans left and Max stayed.  He is colossal and during his last visit, I was very young and his head had this large, cone-like device attached to it.  It was terrifying.

I am glad he has camped out in the kitchen because I cannot possibly see how he could fit on the bed upstairs with me. I mean there's barely room for me, mom and dad at 6 in the morning.  However the invader brings gifts.  At first I thought I should mock him, Ha, you peasant. You bring me gifts! But, his gifts emit the most glorious notes and sounds that I have ever heard.  Mother says that these are Max's toys but I know better.  It has become my mission to make these musical devices mine by the end of his visit.

10 pm

Mother has taken away my gifts.  She says that I must share- ha, she must be joking.  For one, I am a glorious German Shepherd and two, I am a girl dog.  Boom. Roasted.  Anyways, she has taken them from me.  First it was the chicken of rubber clad in a purple bikini, quickly followed by the blue bone of glory.  I was fine until she took away Max's favorite toy, the basketball.  Its small, spherical shape is the finest toy that I have ever bitten down on- comparable to that of my pheasant friend that accompanies me at bedtime. 

11 pm

She is keeping them hostage.  She says to father, "it sounds like a dying chipmunk, I can't really handle that this late at night."  I will rescue them.

11:05 pm

Alas, she has put them on a higher shelf. I am determined. Must get Max to help.


I hear a knock at the door and am surprised to see Father.  He toys with my emotions everyday.  Coming and going- and so in my excitement, I pee a little.  I cannot help that my small size has limited my bladder capacity.  I know that in time, I will become a glorious German Shepherd and my bladder will no longer be my kryptonite.

"It's time to eat!"- quite possibly the most beautiful phrase my young ears have ever heard.  Max and I were served different cuisine and he is not keen on his.  Whenever Mother turns away, Max and I switch bowls.  Clearly, we are geniuses.

6:10 pm

Curses, mother noticed.

6:11 pm

Max has been fussy with his dinner, so Mother put him in his kennel with his food dish. Nevertheless, I pretend that I'm full and save a little of my food for Max later.  When he is released, we shall feast!

8:00 pm

Father is petting Max. I have mixed feelings about this. I go to Mother, who I know will smother me with attention.  Max follows...damn.

8:02 pm
Determined to show Max that this is my territory, I stand up to him and give him my most aggressive set of barks.  Unfortunately his size and stature give him a louder bark.  I refuse to back down. 

8:06 pm
Trapped in this metal cage they call my kennel- due to my vocal sparring with Max.  Mother said it's quiet hours.  I was clearly victorious in that barking match. 

8:07 pm
I feel like I've been in here for hours.  What if they've forgotten me?  They can't be far.  I hear them downstairs.  I must make my presence known!

8:15 pm
Mother has confused my glorious vocal debut with a request to go potty.  The night air is cool and refreshing.  I have had enough and gracefully jog back to the door, only to be stopped by this mesh force field.  What is this nonsense?  Apparently it is used to keep out bugs but it is also keeping me from my main goal and snuggling with my friend, Giraffe Baby. 

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