As I was scrolling through Pinterest, I saw several posts from Redbook about "things every man is afraid of when it comes to marriage." Each one of these pins featured a different fear and while sometimes some of these lists and organized thought articles can be redundant, I actually really related to the topic. I'm at the point in my life where I am married and I think I've been out of cloud 9 for a while, if I was even there at all. Ryan and I started off our marriage into the depths of the military and spent most our first year (aka the honeymoon stage) separated by entire continents due to a deployment. This past year was the first in three that we lived together and had to work to together on a relatively daily basis.
To say that my marriage is difficult would be undermining everyone else's marriage. Marriage is difficult...for everyone. I have a few friends who seem to pull it off flawlessly but for us mere mortals, our sins and daily gripes bring us down to a level of normalcy that makes pulling off a relationship like marriage, a daily struggle.
So I thought I would put together a few thoughts on things that freak me out about marriage and my future. If you're married or are in a long-term relationship, you may share these thoughts or maybe I'm pulling something straight outta left field, but I think this is an important conversation because it reminds myself and others that marriage is hard work and is not meant to be easy.
I put too much pressure on my spouse to be my prince-charming.
I worry that I have too high of expectations on my husband. If you know me, I have a high energy-high enthusiasm type of personality. Give me a project and I'll run with it. However, for Ryan, it's a different story. Thinking creatively and romantically for him is a struggle and sometimes I wonder if my idea of romance is just well, too much. Which brings me to my next "fear."
That I will never have the type of marriage that I pictured.
Not gonna lie, my marriage is not the type of marriage I pictured back in the day. Not even so much "back in the day" but even recently, in my college years. I didn't picture us owning a mansion with expensive cars. No, I pictured a better flow of communication and small acts of kindness and romance. I didn't picture fights over folding laundry and who is obsessing over something a little too much. My picture of marriage included more spontaneity and less gaining weight. Ryan has managed to stay pretty fit while I struggle to cut back on weight that I gained after becoming a missileer. I also definitely pictured more vacations and romantic trips. Now that may have been less than realistic but our last vacation was a short drive to Pasadena to see the Rose Bowl for a three day trip, last year. Marriage isn't quite as romantic as I pictured it and you cut back on things to save money and to be realistic, but until you're in that lifestyle, I don't think I could have really understood what that was like.
We'll never have kids.
I worry about this a lot. Ryan and I both want to have kids but now is not good timing for us. I think it's pretty typical in the missileer careerfield for female missileers to wait until they're captains to have a baby. I'm not even a first lieutenant yet. The timing isn't ideal and Ryan hasn't finished his Bachelor's Degree. While timing is an issue, I worry about physically carrying babies as well. My mom, in her early 30s, developed cysts on her ovaries and had to have surgery to have her uterus removed. That's intense stuff. Plus with being a lieutenant, my code-55 isn't supposed to end until I'm around 28...maybe 27. It's getting close to that age and I worry about those health concerns.
I also worry that we'll get to a point where I become so focused on my career and projects that having kids gets put on the back burner forever. I hope this doesn't happen but it's very possible.
We end in the big D
With the high rate of divorce in our country and how divorce affects everyone's lives, it's definitely come up once or twice. Before Ryan and I got married, we took divorce off of the table. We said, "we're gonna make this work." Since then there have been a handful of times where I was certain we would get a divorce. It's definitely no laughing matter but it's come up. Those brutally awful fights where you're looking at the other person and thinking, "how is this ever going to work?" Well fortunately it has and lots of apologies and tears have been shared. But I also don't think our society makes it easier on us to stick it through. When I'm exhausted from work and desperately need a vacation, I do think about how if I was single I'd probably be in the Dominican Republic on a beach somewhere. It does cross my mind and I'm not going to pretend it doesn't. It also comes across my mind how I would probably be less stressed in only having to communicate with female roommates and have a way better closet filled with awesome clothes. It happens.
But what snaps me out of it is how proud I am of our marriage. Every day we beat the odds, one day at a time. Some days are really good and some are pretty awful, but we get through it.
What are some things that totally freak you our or worry you about your relationship?
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