A Picture A Day While You're Away- Otherwise Known as How I Survived a Deployment

My prayers go to the families of the Marines that were tragically killed in the training exercise.
I can only imagine a fraction of what their families are going through and my heart breaks for them.
These types of tragedies, deployments and periods of separation make military relationships so difficult, whether it's your sibling, child, partner, or spouse.

Did anyone catch last night's second episode of the new season of Army Wives (From the Ashes)? It involved the introduction of a lot of new characters, including the timid yet talented pie maker, Holly Truman.  When Roxy came to speak with her about a new business endeavor involving her delicious pies, it came to Roxy's attention that Holly was a newly married Army wife experiencing her first deployment.  Holly broke down and burst into tears.  She had only been married for six months when her husband left for Afghanistan.  Um is this a chapter from my life?  Ryan and I had only been married six months (lived together for three) when he left for his second deployment to Afghanistan.  I was finishing my senior year of college, finishing up my last year of ROTC to commission as an officer, and this was my first go-around being in a relationship, let alone married, and going through a deployment.  Holy shit. Yup, at times that expletive phrase could only describe what it felt like going through all of that.

I was far from any military base and surrounded by college kids.  Very few people could understand what I was going through.  I was 22, married, and my husband was deployed.  Not a typical situation you would find at the University of Wisconsin.  Not like I was part of the norm already.  I was in ROTC so I was one of the college kids you would find occasionally in a military uniform, in a sorority, worked multiple jobs, was a House Fellow (otherwise known as an R.A.), and so much more.  It was a lot to take on but I always appreciated being busy.  People often said to me, "I could never do it," and would look to me with such admiration and respect.  In all reality, you put yourself through all of that because you love someone so much.  That's all you can do.

Going into the deployment, my main goal was to make the most out of the experience.  I was not going to turn to alcohol, food, or to cheating (yikes on that last one) to get me through the separation.  Instead, I filled my life with a lot of positive energy.  I knew that I had to stay busy, more than I already was because it's the moment of true quietness that truly brings reality home.  It's a reality that you don't really want to think about, especially when the love of your life is in harm's way.

The two things that I was most known for in the deployment were my care packages and my Picture a Day While You're Away.  I sent Ryan at least two care packages every month.  I bought a Cricut, some cartridges and stocked up on a lot of scrapbook paper.  USPS provides a care package kit for the military members and I got a bunch of those kits and just kept sending care packages.  I got family, friends, and sorority sisters involved.  For me, it was a way of showing Ryan how much I love him and I pictured him opening each box and thinking of me.  It gets really cold in Afghanistan in the winter months and he was often sleeping in freezing temperatures.  With my Amazon Prime account, I stocked up on everything he could possibly need.  Since I was a House Fellow, the front desk of the dorm that I was an R.A. in would always recognize the Amazon boxes for me.  I turned a section of my closet into a care package center.  Here I would have those USPS boxes, tape, shipping labels, etc. ready to go and I also organized numerous things that I wanted to ship.  Some boxes had a fun theme to them and others were just essentials that he had requested.  Make sure to check out the post to see how I chose to decorate the boxes.

Although not something unique to me, I participated in a Picture a Day While You're Away picture campaign of sorts while Ryan was deployed.  Similar to a 365 project, a documented my side of the deployment with a picture every day.  I had recently gotten an iPhone while Ryan was on predeployment leave and of course had Instagram.  That app was so heavily used while Ryan was deployed.  Those pictures were used for my daily picture project and I included them as pictures in Motomail, but more on that later.

A 7 month deployment consists of:
-7 months of loneliness.
-31 weeks of worrying.
-236 days of sleepless nights.
-5,110 hours of trying to stay busy.
-306,600 minutes of the phone on the loudest ringer possible.
& -18,396,000 seconds of impatiently waiting for him to come home.

 

  

 

  

There were around 244 photos in this one album on Facebook.  I had friends in other classes, who I hadn't seen since freshman year, stop me on the sidewalk and tell me how much they enjoyed seeing the pictures everyday.  I had folks tell me that they couldn't check it everyday so on their Sunday night study break, they would go through each picture.  So many prayers and well wishes were sent our way and I feel so incredibly blessed to be surrounded by such amazing people.  What I want these select photos to show you, especially if you're about to go on a deployment, is that you can't let this or any deployment stop you from living.

 

There were times that it was midnight, I had The Notebook or P.S. I Love You in the background and I was crying myself to sleep.  Yup, that is the ugly side of manning the homefront on a deployment.  There were times that I was in an aisle of Walgreens or Target and insanely frustrated because I had no idea what the hell Ryan was talking about when it came to x,y,z products, just that he needed them.  It's not like I could call him up and ask for clarification.  No, you're on your own and you have to make those executive decisions.  It wasn't just silly, minor things that like that either.  I had to take a J-term course (winter break class) online my senior year.  I was freaking out.  One summer I had taken a course at another UW school to cover a set of science requirements and out of the blue, Wisconsin wasn't going to take them.  That would mean I would have to take over 18 credits my last semester.  That just wasn't feasible.  They did take the course, but I did take an additional online science course through UW-Milwaukee and I had no clue how to pay for it.  My student loans were going for my degree at UW-Madison and there just wasn't hundreds of dollars of chump change hanging around.  I made it work but those times when I could have really used Ryan to comfort me and help me work things out, but the country needed him.  Deployments are difficult and it's not a walk in the park.  However, it is up to you and your attitude on how you will make the journey develop.  Apart from keeping active and busy, I never wanted to distract Ryan from completing his part of the mission.  Me being nagging, overbearing, whining, crying, or just a plain ol' hot mess could cause him not be 100% dedicated to the deployment mindset.  That is the last thing I wanted.  So apart from care packages, I wrote him so many letters.  

An awesome program through the Marine Corps is Motomail.  It's like composing an e-mail, but it gets printed out on their end and sent to them like a letter.  I wrote Ryan almost every single day through that.  It was so easy to open up my computer and just write about my day to him.  I knew that he appreciated the letters and hearing about my day.  Apart from the letters, I would also record him mini tapes and send those in care packages as well.  Like my letters, I would tell him about my day or read him articles, etc.  His phone calls and simply hearing his voice would make my day.  I knew that hearing my voice, even if it was a recording, was something he loved.

In terms of self-care, I made myself incredibly busy.  I wanted to experience so many things and also to instill faith in Ryan that I was fine back home.  Living on campus, I didn't have a car, so I made great use of our free bus pass and other great student deals.  I love musicals and at the Overture Center, I could get really inexpensive tickets to shows.  I saw The Nutcracker, Beauty & the Beast, and a few other shows that were part of traveling Broadway troupes.  I also took classes including ballet and even a pole dancing class.  Both were so fun and something I had never tried before.  I also became a more serious crafter with crocheting, learning how to knit and quilt.  You have to be willing to try things on your own, which was never a problem with me.  I went to speeches and events on campus by myself and I also visited the Union South theater to catch movies on my own.  There are so many activities that are free or have a low cost in your community, definitely check them out! If you live on a military base, there are so many activities- make sure to get involved.

I also did and bought silly things as well.  The day before Ryan left for Afghanistan, I went to Build-a-Bear and made a German Shepherd and named him Valor.  I also got a G.I. Joe because I'm a novelty junkie like that.  My room was a mixture of student life, Badgerificiness, sorority goodness, and military love.

Whatever your deployment brings, understand that it will be over and if you ever need extra prayers sent your way, don't be afraid to ask.  Don't be afraid to let people in and don't be afraid to try something new.  You've got to be strong on the homefront and it is totally possible.

Marital Lessons Learned in a Roadtrip

 Spending 8+ hours a day in a car with your spouse can be an invigorating, frustrating, inspiring or just downright rip-your-hair-out experience.  Ryan and I have two very distinct personalities.  My husband is one of the bravest, smartest, and funniest people I know.  However, he still pisses me off sometimes.  I'm stubborn, can be selfish and sometimes I just need him to understand what I want or need, even if I can't communicate it effectively.

Sitting in a car for numerous hours with him can be a dance.  There are moments when it's a beautiful waltz and we're laughing and sharing stories.  Other times it's the beginning lesson and you're avoiding painful stubbed toes and awkward movements.  You don't want put yourself out there for a solo if you can't back it up with your own credibility.  Sometimes I'm just there, by myself, freestyling because somebody has to be the ballsy one.

There were moments when something would just be a downright argument or fight.  You don't want to take the blame or own up to a mistake.  There were times when we forgot to show that we appreciate each other.  Patience had run out and so did windshield wiper fluid.  Of course this was the exact moment that a semi was driving in front of us and managed to kick-up as much slush and dirt as possible on the window.

It's all about understanding that sometimes, you have to put aside selfish desires or thoughts because your spouse needs you.  Ryan gets stressed about things and if I can contact someone that has the right answers or simply Google it, it makes life infinitely easier on him.  For me, I appreciate the security that he provides.  He is the most responsible young man I know.  I always call him an "old man" because of his tendencies and mannerisms but he is my favorite person.  Every time I look at him, I just fall in love.  He is the handsomest man I have ever seen.  Being able to look over from the passenger seat and see the mountains of Tahoe National Park in the background was breathtaking.  It put everything into perspective.  We are driving to our new home that we will share together for four years and that is a beautiful thing.  This will be home that we'll most likely have our first baby in, we'll make memories and friends, and our families will visit us and say, "our own babies are so grown with babies of their own." 

My favorite parts of the trip were the moments he would say, "Kim, look at that! Take a picture."  I would pull out my camera and snap a few shots of the absolutely stunning scenery.  I so greatly appreciate the route he chose for us to drive on because the landscape was incredible.  The mountains were truly "purple mountains majesty" and the snow was sprinkled across the most beautiful trees, making them sparkle.  I know that by verbalizing how much I loved the view, Ryan felt a sense of pride.  I don't always tell him that I appreciate the things that he does for me and he does a lot.  He sacrifices his comforts and concerns to make me happy.  He is an incredible husband and sometimes do fight but I can't stand being mad at him or to see him upset.

There are the moments when you need to breakdown and the only cure is a kiss from that wonderful bearded man.  When I am at my worst and am hating everything that is going on, he pulls me into a strong hug and kisses my head, kisses my lips, and tells me everything will be fine.  We work better as a team and celebrate our small victories with elaborate high fives.  We cheer each other on for our accomplishments and are there to pick up the broken pieces of our failures.

3 days later and we're at the place that we call home, together as a family.

Thanks for reading!

  

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Be sure to check out this month's featured blog:

Realities of a Pinterest Perfect, Military Marriage

Before I divulge into the inner workings of making a military marriage work, I would love for y'all to visit Lauran's blog, The Real Young Housewife of Southern Virginia.  Today I'm featured as a guest blogger on a topic that I'm sure we can all relate with, when Pinterest crafting goes horribly wrong.  It's a light and funny read (hopefully you'll find it funny) and Lauran is an awesome blogger, so go check it out and then come right back ;)

With Valentine's Day coming up, I've been reflecting on my marriage of almost two years.  This is the first Valentine's Day that Ryan and I will have together.  So of course, I am all kinds of excited to make it spectacular.  However, I have learned from past experiences that sometimes I need to bring down my enthusiasm level to a rate that Ryan can understand.  What makes this Valentine's Day a little more interesting is that we will be on the road, mid-move to Montana.  So I've started putting together a few things for my valentine a little early.  I'm sure you've seen this tutorial on Pinterest but it's so easy and I would love to share:

Decorate-a-Mug

Supplies

Ceramic mugs from the dollar store

Sharpies

Working oven, set to 350 degrees

Decorate your mug, put it in the oven for about a half hour and voila, you've got yourself an inexpensive Valentine's Day gift.

"All of these words are worthless than the breath used to say them if we cannot be together."

Cute and romantic, eh?  

I'm not really sure what else to get Ryan and come to think about it, I think Ryan may be my first Valentine.  I definitely remember a dating pattern of breaking up with boyfriends in October and getting boyfriends in March.  Anyone else have dating patterns?  I always thought it was weird but oddly enough, that's how it usually worked out.  

Ryan loves to work out and doesn't really like junk food so I think the traditional heart-shaped box of chocolates may not be his thing. Shopping for broskis is so difficult!  Curse the expectations that come with VDay!

But this brings me to my next point.

If you read Destiny's guest blog post, it ties in so well to this topic of Pinterest perfect marriages.

When Ryan was deployed I created a ton of care packages for him and I did a "picture a day while you're away."  It was my way of showing him that I cared and I missed him greatly (such an understatement, deployments own your brain).  Creating and designing things is such a personal way of exploring my creative energy and I love to share it, whether it's on my blog or my Pinterest boards.  It's also a major way of me showing people that I care.  I would have so many people message me saying how inspired they were by the care packages and the pictures, it was both flattering and humbling.  I'm afraid that I may have added to this Hollywood notion that military marriages are this fairytale.  Homecomings are a dream come true and one of my most cherished moments, however, it's what happens post-homecoming that people don't really cover or understand.

I still consider myself a newlywed, and not in the "honeymoon" period, either.  Ryan and I have our arguments and fights, just like any other married couple.  It usually comes from the fact that we've spent most our marriage apart, either living in California versus Wisconsin or the continental US versus Afghanistan.  Most recently we've lived in the same state (five hours apart), and just moved back in together when Ryan finally finished his Marine Corps contract.  Every time that we've been together, part of our relationship has to start over again and rebuild.  It takes a lot of communication and patience.  Being in our early 20s, that doesn't always come easily or is readily available.  Mix in a military lifestyle, you have constant moves, training, early days, late nights, etc.  I try to make the most of our time together by scheduling breaks in the day, like lunch, where we can see each other and just talk or relax.  In the morning, I'm focused on going to work and at night, I'm analyzing what happened that day and what I can improve on.  I would say that communicating at night isn't my strongest quality.  If I had a bad day, I need that time to decompress and then start communicating, otherwise Ryan can do the littlest thing and it can set me off.  It's the same for him.  I'm very much an advocate for personal time and working on "Me."  Not as a selfish aspect, but more in terms of self care and make sure that I'm doing good and Ryan's doing good, respectively on our own.  Together we're a united front and we can't have one end feeling upset, otherwise, we're not communicating as effectively as we could be.

My advice for being in a military marriage?

Patience, a positive attitude, effective communication, and resilience.  

Things will always change and nothing is ever permanent.  It is only permanent five hours after it happened.  With that in mind, you have to have patience and good communication.  Don't leave your spouse hanging, wondering what's going on or if they need to make dinner later or earlier.  Sometimes it can be really stressful or just bring out the worst in you.  You've got to overcome that because you need to work as a team.  Ryan and I don't have any human children yet, just our Holly Bear.  We've planned it that way so we can work on our marriage base first and build up from that.  I tackle being in a military lifestyle with a positive attitude.  It's a mixture of optimism and realism.  Plans will always change, so have a back-up plan (in fact, have three) and keep a smile on your face.  Make sure you have concrete ways to de-stress.  When Ryan was deployed, sometimes I would feel so overwhelmed, I still sometimes feel that way with training.  Blogging for me became a positive outlet on which I could focus on many other aspects of my life besides being in the military.  Sometimes that little break, even if it's just a blog post, is so very necessary.  

One way that I'm working on documenting our marriage-

I saw this really neat idea for people who are engaged, to keep a journal for your soon-to-be husband.  I loved the idea and decided to keep a journal (I bought two for extra writing) for my husband throughout the year.  I wanted to cover things we fought about, how we communicated, good things and events in our life.  I think it may be a great way to reflect on our marriage at the end of the year.

I'm really excited about this and to include love letters on our second/third year of marriage.  We have so many things to look forward to within the coming weeks and it will all be recorded.  Wahooo for old school journaling.

oh and in case you don't follow me on Instagram, I got a haircut :)

 

 Yay for new things!

Thanks for reading :)