Less than a Pretty Picture

This morning I woke up to new life.

My seedlings had finally sprouted.  I don't really consider myself someone who has been bestowed with a green thumb but I was really excited about the prospect of growing vegetables and fruits this summer.  Seeing those green shoots come out from the slightly damp earth as the box sat on the windowsill of my kitchen, it reminded me of the science portions of classes in elementary school.  Visions of plastic ziplock baggies containing moist paper towels and seeds came back to me.  I remember the excitement of seeing the seeds erupt and similar emotions came back to me.  

I was excited to see that, especially after having a tumultuous past few days.  Yeah, they were crappy.  Ryan and I got into a major argument.  It was one of those arguments where you threw in the problems that you've been stowing in your marital arsenal.  Yeah like that one time you forgot to pick that up at the store or you keep saying you're going to get better but you still suck at surprises or the curveball, well you really just suck at this.  The marital arsenal is always one that contains everything your spouse or significant other has done wrong and you keep it in the back of your mind for moments like this when sometimes you need to slap rock bottom with the palm of your hand because it just needs to happen and it's staring you in the face. Yep, stooping that low.  Some folks would label that as a lesson in maturity but it really is towing the line of unnecessary and cruel because we all go there sometimes.  It was one of those fights where you were afraid of where it might go.  Like fearing that certain words like ones starting with an s or d would come out because you were so angry or upset at that person.  It was a bad few days.

I wanted to recap on my weekend in a very real and honest way.  This post will get better and I will talk about fun things that actually apply to the rest of the world, I promise.  Today was a day that both Ryan and I had off from work and we were going to spend it together.  Instead it was used as a day to patch up hurt feelings and pack up the marital arsenal to be placed in the farthest corners of our minds.  Today was a day that I was relieved to see.  

It resulted in several conversations.  One of them being with my mom and my sister, Dwana.  Dwana has always been known as my cousin, although we are not blood related.  I have known her since my childhood and she is an integral part of my family.  To her and my mother, I poured my heart out over that phone line and we talked for hours.  Another set of conversations happened with Ryan.  Most of the started off not productive at all.  More blaming and more excuses, mainly from me.  There was a lot of hurt and aggravation.  The conversations slowly made a turn for the better and now we're in a better place.  

I was warned that marriage would not be easy, it will difficult.  You will fight, and despite whatever graphics get shared on Pinterest, marriage is not always a pretty picture.  There are days when you will have a certain d word dancing on the end of your lips because you are that angry.  Ryan and I took divorce off the table before we even got married.  For us, we knew we could make anything work, regardless of what life threw at us.  Challenge accepted, right?  Everyday is an opportunity to learn more about your partner and with that everyday is an opportunity to piss them off.  Choose wisely.  As my mom said, she's been married to my dad for years and sometimes she still doesn't know him or the things he will do.  It literally is one of the biggest learning experiences you will go through your life.  I wanted to share this with you, if you're reading this far, because I know we see a lot of images of marital perfection here in the blogging community.  But to get to that place is a consistent effort in getting to understand your partner and making sure you put the needs of the two of you as a couple before focusing on yourself.